


Forever Yours

by tarjas_reign



Category: Nightwish, Tarja Turunen - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:19:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 31,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4406171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarjas_reign/pseuds/tarjas_reign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tarja announces some big news, Tuomas is sure that he has lost her forever. But nothing is ever as it seems...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

"I don't think we should wait for her. She probably forgot about our rehearsal." Marco leaned against the wall, a beer bottle in his hand. Emppu laughed. "Nah, I guess she's just really _busy_." Jukka and Marco started laughing while Tuomas frowned. "Seriously, where is she? She's already twenty minutes late!" Emppu still giggled. "Told you, Tuomas, she's probably having a lot of fun!" "Yeah, with _Marcelo_ ", Jukka added with special emphasis on the last word and they all had to laugh even more when Marco made some unmistakable gestures. "That's enough! This is NOT funny!!“, Tuomas yelled. Suddenly they all fell silent. "Is something wrong? You usually don't overreact that easily", Marco asked and looked worried at him. Tuomas shook his head, "I'm sorry. It's just... never mind." He couldn't tell them how much he hated the thought of Tarja being with Marcelo. They wouldn't understand how much it hurt him to see her with that guy and how much he hated him.  
Suddenly the door was opened and Tuomas looked up. With a beautiful smile on her face Tarja stepped into the room and beamed at the four guys. She seemed to be blissfully happy about something and for a moment Tuomas even forgot how to breathe. "Oh my god, guess what just happened!" Tarja screamed excited and smiled even wider. "You forgot our rehearsal?", Jukka asked. "Because you had fun with Marcelo?" Emppu added grinning. Tarja laughed, a sound Tuomas loved as much as the pretty smile on her face. "I didn't forget this. But look!" She stretched out her hands so that the guys could see her fingers; however, Tuomas still couldn't look away from her face. He felt lost in her emerald green eyes and completely enchanted by her smile. "Wow, congratulations!" Emppu suddenly screamed; so Tuomas eventually looked down at Tarja's hands. In the moment his gaze fell on her right hand he felt his heart breaking in his chest. It was over. Everything he had ever fought for, everything he had lived for was destroyed within a second. Tarja was finally gone. At least for him. And every time he would ever look at her the sparkling ring on her finger would show him that she belonged to someone else. "Marcelo proposed to me earlier!" Tarja told, her eyes still filled with happiness.  
They all congratulated her, rose their bottles and celebrated Tarja's engagement. No one saw the dark expression on Tuomas' face, nobody noticed his pain.  
"So, when will the big day be?", Marco asked after a few minutes, "I hope it won't collaborate with our tour!" Tarja shook her head, "We haven't decided for a date yet but I would never cancel a concert! Not even for my wedding."  
Tarja's wedding. The word echoed in Tuomas' head and made him feel dizzy. He still couldn't believe that this was happening and he couldn't endure listening to Tarja any longer who had begun to tell them about her plans for the wedding. The other guys stood around her, drinking and joking as always and without anyone noticing Tuomas left the room.  
It was a wonderful evening. The sun was already setting and the first stars started to appear at the dark blue firmament. Tuomas toke a deep breath of the cold, fresh air and closed his eyes for a moment. Immediately pictures of Tarja started to appear in his head: pictures of her and Marcelo, pictures of the ring, pictures of her smile when she had told them her news. Angrily, Tuomas forced his eyes open again and tried to think about something else. He started to walk through the almost empty streets of Helsinki, still desperate to guide his thoughts away from Tarja, but it was senseless. He couldn't ignore the feelings he had for her, nor the deep pain he felt since her revelation. Of course, she had been with Marcelo for quite some time now, and it had always bothered Tuomas. But he had still hoped that maybe thinks wouldn't work between Tarja and Marcelo, a hope that was gone now, destroyed by the small ring on her finger. One after another all his dreams burst like bubbles. He would never hold her in his arms at night, would never feel her lips on his own and she would never know how much he loved her. At this thought tears welled up in eyes. He usually wasn't someone who cried easily but this time he couldn't hold it back. Angrily and embarrassed he wiped his tears away and tried to calm himself down. _If I really love her, the most important thing for me should be that she's happy - not that she's happy with me!_ he thought, but that was much easier said than done. He would never be able to stop his feelings for Tarja, he knew that for sure. She was the love of his life and she always would be.  
Suddenly he heard someone calling his name. "Tuomas? Where the hell have you been!?" He looked up and his heart almost skipped a beat. He hadn't even noticed that he had walked back to their band room and now nobody else than Tarja stood right in front of him. He swallowed hardly and tried not to look directly into her questioning eyes. "Tuomas? Did you forget about the rehearsal? We have searched for you everywhere!" Tuomas still didn't answer. Was she angry at him? That would really be the last thing he needed, but she didn't seem to be. He was even wondering if her voice had sounded a little bit concerned but probably he had just imagined that. "I didn't forget it", he finally said. Of course Tarja wasn't satisfied with that answer and it didn't surprise him. "Then where have you been??" For a moment Tuomas even considered telling her the truth; but he pushed that thought away when his gaze fell on her ring which was sparkling in the bright light of a streetlamp. "I'm sorry Tarja, I just needed some fresh air... and I thought you all were too busy anyway. With celebrating" he added when he saw Tarja's questioning look. "You could have celebrated with us", she stated. "I mean, isn't the engagement of a band member a reason to be together with the whole band?" _Yes, but not if it's your engagement with Marcelo!_ "I am really sorry. I just..." "It's okay Tuomas", she interrupted him. "You don't have to justify your absence. I just wanted you to know that it would have been more fun if you had been with us." With those words Tarja turned around and walked over to her car, her long black hair blowing in the slight wind. With his heart hammering Tuomas looked after her and silently he repeated her words in his head, again and again. She had wanted to have him around. This thought let his heart jump in his chest and let him forget about his pain for some time.


	2. Chapter 2

_It was a wonderful, starry night. A soft breeze was blowing through Tarja's long hair when Tuomas walked up to her. She hadn’t noticed him yet but looked at a point somewhere far away, a soft smile on her face. For a moment Tuomas remained where he was and just looked at her. Her eyes reflected the light of the stars and the simple white dress she was wearing waved around her like smooth water. Tuomas heart started beating faster and he had some struggles to breathe normally, when suddenly Tarja looked in his direction. Her smile widened as she spotted him and her eyes where so full of love that Tuomas could hardly believe his luck. He was just about to walk over to her and in his mind he already felt her arms around him and her lips on his, when he was pushed aside roughly by someone. The man must have stood behind him for a while already and now he was walking up to Tarja; her gaze followed him, her eyes still filled with love while Tuomas stood a few feet away from her and felt his heart sinking. Tarja's smile hadn't been for him, she hadn’t even noticed him. She had only eyes for the other man and didn't care about Tuomas at all. "Marcelo. I'm so glad that you're here!", Tarja whispered and even though there was quite some distance between her and Tuomas he heard every word. He didn't want to hear it though. And he didn't want to see how Marcelo now wrapped his arms around Tarja and pulled her close. He only wanted to run away, wanted to lock himself up in his room and never come out again. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't move; he was forced to stay and watch the loving couple in front of him. Marcelo's lips now met Tarja's and they seemed to merge into one person while Tuomas' heart broke into a million little pieces and his pain threatened to overwhelm him._  
Bathed in sweat and with pounding heart Tuomas woke up. He needed a while to realize that he had been dreaming but the picture of Tarja and Marcelo still didn't disappear from his inner eye. With trembling hands, he groped for the light switch and looked into the mirror. His face was pale and full of pain, but he didn't even notice it. All he could think about was the dream he had had and the truth behind it: Tarja had chosen Marcelo. He tried to push the dark thoughts away but the pictures kept appearing in his mind until he finally gave up. And since Tuomas knew that he wouldn't get any sleep anymore he decided to work on his new song instead, to distract himself from his sorrow. He had already tried to write something a few days ago, though he wasn't really satisfied with the result. But now, feeling all that pain, he didn't even have to think about the lyrics. They came out of his heart and he only had to write them down.  _Fare the well, little broken heart. Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness. Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone._

"God Tuomas, you look horrible!" Emppu looked worried at the keyboarder when he entered the band room. "Did you get any sleep last night?" Tuomas shrugged and toke a seat. He felt empty and tired, since he had spent the whole night working on his song. "I couldn't sleep... so I wrote a song for the new album." He explained and yawned. Jukka appeared in the doorway. "Did you say 'new song'? Can we read it?" Tuomas hesitated for a moment and Emppu started laughing. "Oh I see, it's top secret! I'm just wondering how Tarja's gonna sing it if she doesn't know the lyrics." Tarja. "Is she already here?" Tuomas asked and hoped that the others wouldn't notice the tremor in his voice. The song was for Tarja; only for her, and he wanted her to be the first one to read it, even though he was kind of afraid of her reaction. Jukka nodded. "She's in the lady's room. Feels as if she went there like half an hour ago." "Women." Empuu noted with a meaning look. "So? What about the song? Or did you lie, and only went to a bar last night instead of writing anything?" Tuomas sighed and started to fumble in his pocket for the paper on which he had written the song and handed it to the guys. Interested they leaned over the sheet and started reading attentively when finally Tarja entered the room and walked over to them. "Did you write a new song, Tuomas?" she asked after a look at the page the guys were reading and beamed at him widely, obviously happy about the quick progress the album made. Tuomas nodded. "Wanna read it?" "Sure" Tarja stretched out her hand for the paper and Emppu gave it to her. Now Tuomas watched her reading the song, hoping and praying that she would like it since he had written it just for her. After a few minutes which felt like an eternity for him Tarja looked up from the lyrics and directly into his eyes. Tuomas mouth got dry when their eyes met and suddenly he felt like a little school boy who waited for the judgment of his teacher after handing over his homework. "It's beautiful!" Tarja finally whispered, her eyes shining with joy. Relieved, Tuomas led out the breath he had been holding without even noticing and smiled back at Tarja. "Thank you". She handed the sheet back to him and when she did so her hand brushed his. Surprised Tuomas noticed that she didn't pull back but remained her hand like that, slightly touching his. Their eyes met again and Tuomas felt like floating a few inches over the floor when suddenly another person entered the room. Tarja pulled her hand back instantly, the moment was gone; Tuomas didn't even have to turn around to know how their guest was. He saw it in Tarja's face:  Already forgotten about the short moment they had shared, she smiled at the man who had just arrived. Like in slow motion Tuomas saw her walking over to him and his nightmare became true right in front of his eyes when she threw herself into Marcelo's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

After Marcelo had arrived at the band room, Tuomas had left soon; mostly because it just hurt him too much to see Tarja being so happy with the guy he hated most in the world. Also he still had a lot of work to do since the first concert of the new album wasn't that far away anymore. So Tuomas now sat in his room and - like already so many times before - wrote down his feelings in the form of beautiful song lyrics. He was just thinking about the second part of the chorus, when his doorbell rang. Surprised he got up from his chair to open the door for whoever was out there. It turned out to be Marco. "Hey Tuomas! Can I come in for some time? Actually I wanted to stay at the band room with the others but I can't stand being there any longer." Tuomas stepped aside to let him in, then looked at him confused. "Why not, what's going on there?" Marco rolled his eyes. "Tarja and Marcelo are driving me crazy!", he complained, "Acting like they hadn't seen each other in a century... at least!" With a forced laugh Tuomas rose his hand. "No details, please; I had a reason for leaving earlier." Marco laughed and followed Tuomas in his study, where the lyrics of the new song were still lying on the desk. "Are you working on a new song already!?", Marco asked in disbelieve when he spotted the sheets on the table. Tuomas nodded. "I have to hurry up a little; we still need time for the recordings and the first concert is already really soon." He reached for a bottle of beer from his fridge, gave it to Marco and then sat down on his chair again. "Can I read this one?", Marco asked and pointed at the song Tuomas was currently working on. The keyboarder nodded and pushed the sheet over to him. "But I don't have much yet - only half of the chorus." Marco toke the piece of paper and started to read out the beginning of the song. "Ever felt away with me, just once that all I need, entwined in finding you one day." Tuomas looked expectantly at him. "What do you think?" Marco thought about it for a moment. "I really like it, Tuomas", he then said, "but can I ask you a question?" "Yes, but wait a second!", Tuomas answered and grabbed the paper out of Marcos hand. He just had found a wonderful second part for the chorus and needed to write it down immediately. Marco watched him and read aloud the words Tuomas wrote: "Ever felt away without me, my love it lies so deep, ever dream of me." "Now you can ask your question.", Tuomas said and smiled. Marco cleared his throat. "Well... I already thought about this when I read the song you showed us this morning - " "Forever Yours?" Marco nodded. "Tell me Tuomas: Are you thinking of someone specific while writing these songs?" Tuomas swallowed. Did Marco know - or at least suspect - what he felt for Tarja? No, he couldn't know that. But Tuomas rather didn't say too much. "What do you mean?" Marco stroked his beard and looked at Tuomas intently. "You know, the lyrics sound as if they were written for someone special. I mean, what about 'So I'll be forever yours'? Or 'My love it lies so deep'? It just doesn't sound as if these lines are coming out of nowhere." Tuomas remained silent for a moment, desperately searching for a credible answer. "You know... I often don't even think about the lyrics. They just seem to pop up in my head and then I write them down." Marco frowned. "So you are saying that you don't think about anyone when you write those songs?" Tuomas could feel that Marco didn't believe him. But he still shook his head in a last attempt to convince the blonde man, even though his mind was protesting vigorously. He didn't want to lie about his feelings for Tarja. More than anything else he wanted to tell her what she meant to him, but he knew that he had to keep his love secret. It would only make thinks complicated if anyone knew about it. So instead of telling Marco the truth he tried to guide the subject away from Tarja and the meaning of his songs. "Soo... I'd like to do a rehearsal this afternoon. It didn't take place yesterday and we really should play some of the new songs." Even though Marco didn't seem to embrace the change of subject, he agreed with Tuomas and after some more hours of working they both went back to the band room.

When Tuomas opened the door that lead into the band room his breath caught and he only wanted to leave again. Tarja and Marcelo sat on the couch in the back of the room; her head rested on his shoulder while he stroked her hair and placed tender kisses on her face every now and then. Tarja's eyes were closed but from the smile on her face Tuomas could tell how much she enjoyed this moment. First he only wanted to start the rehearsal as soon as possible so that Marcelo would be forced to take his hands off of her. But when he saw the sweet expression on her face he didn't want to be the one who destroyed it. Fortunately this decision was taken away from him when Emppu stormed into the room. "Come on, guys! Let's rock this place!" Still smiling Tarja opened her eyes and after sharing a long, passionate kiss with Marcelo, she came over to the guys. However, Tuomas still watched Marcelo; he had expected him to leave but instead he remained on the couch, not taking his eyes away from Tarja.  
But when Tuomas started playing the first notes of Ever Dream he had already forgotten about Marcelo. There was only Tarja who filled the room with her magical voice and nothing else mattered for him; he felt as if everything was alright as long as she kept singing his song. After a while Tuomas closed his eyes and stopped noticing anything around him but the music.


	4. Chapter 4

_Two months later_

As always before a concert, the atmosphere in the backstage area was tensed and nervous. Jukka played with his drumsticks, Marco tuned his guitar for the seventh time and Emppu annoyed everyone with his jokes. Tarja usually spent the time before going on stage with Marcelo - something Tuomas always hated - but this time he hadn't been able to come because of some business he had to do in the United States. So Tarja had taken a seat on the floor next to Tuomas, which had improved his mood by a lot. He was always quite nervous before a concert but this time it was even worse than usually, since it was the first concert of their new album, Century Child. "Don't worry, Tuomas, everything's gonna be fine.", Tarja encouraged him and smiled widely. Unfortunately, this didn't really help him though, because now he also had to concentrate on not pulling her close and kissing her. She was sitting so close to him that he almost thought he could hear her heartbeat. And if he would only reach out his hand a little bit, his fingers would touch hers.   
Then, they finally got their sign. It was time to go on stage and to show their talent to their fans. A last time Tuomas looked at Tarja, then he went out on stage first.   
It definitely was one of their best concerts ever. Each of them enjoyed every second of it until the last note of the second last song faded away. Tuomas already felt a bit light-headed since Tarja's voice had an effect on him like a drug; but he had chosen his favourite song as the last one, and when she started singing he just closed his eyes and gave in to the magic of the song. Forever Yours was the song he had written for her out of his deepest pain and it made her voice sound so perfect that Tuomas could have listened to it all day long. He remembered how she had read the lyrics for the very first time. 'Wonderful' , she had whispered; and then there had been that moment... Suddenly Tuomas was snapped out of his thoughts. The atmosphere in the venue had changed and the fans seemed to be anxious about something. With an uneasy feeling Tuomas opened his eyes and tried to find out the source of the trouble. First he let his gaze wander through the auditorium but couldn't discover anything unusual except the fact that all their fans seemed to be very concerned, their eyes fixing a point in the middle of the stage. Heart pounding, he turned his head to the left and he almost forgot playing when he spotted Tarja; she kept singing, more beautiful than ever, but tears were streaming down her face silently. Tarja cried. Tuomas had no idea why; he only knew that he desperately wanted her to stop. Seeing her so hurt was more painful than everything he had ever experienced and he just wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her. Unsettled, Tuomas looked at the other guys. Emppu had noticed their problem too, but when Tuomas gave him a questioning look he only shook his head. They couldn't stop the concert now; it was almost over anyway, so Tuomas tried to concentrate on his keys and not letting himself be distracted. But it was impossible. He played some wrong notes while he looked over at Tarja again and again who was still crying, and he silently admired her for keeping her voice so clear and strong despite her tears. But now he only wanted the song to be over, although he wasn't entirely sure what he would do then. Would he ever be able to comfort her? For a moment he even whished that Marcelo would be there, who - Tuomas was sure about that - would bring a smile back on Tarja's face. But he was far away so Tuomas had to deal with it alone; however, Marcelo's absense didn't bother him all too much.   
Finally the song was done and Tuomas couldn't get backstage fast enough. As soon as they had left the stage he ran over to Tarja who stood in the middle of the room, silent tears still running over her face. "Tarja?", he asked carefully, "What's wrong?" Tarja didn't answer but in that moment they were joined by Jukka and Emppu; both looked worried at the crying woman but didn't dare to ask again. "I don't think it helps, if we all stand around her." Marco had entered the room and looked at the three men. Emppu shrugged and nodded. "Stay you with her, Tuomas. Guess you know more about feelings than we." He let out a short laughter, then left the room with Jukka and Marco. Now the two of them were alone. Tarja remained silent but new tears started to well up in her eyes when she looked at Tuomas and eventually he couldn't endure it any longer. Carefully he pulled her in his arms and Tarja gave in to his embrace; her head came to rest on his shoulder and Tuomas sent a fast prayer to heaven that she wouldn't notice how quickly his heart was beating. His thoughts were coming thick and fast; this was one of the moments he always had longed for and he put all his love for her in the embrace, hoping that she would feel it. Gently he stroked her long hair and tried to calm her down and after a few minutes Tarja finally stopped crying. She freed herself from his embrace and reluctantly Tuomas let go of her. For a while they just looked at each other. The moment seemed to be endless and Tuomas didn't notice anything around him but Tarja's eyes. "I'm so sorry...", she finally whispered, "I really don't know what came over me!" Tuomas still looked worried at her. "Why were you crying, Tarja?" She wiped away some tears and kept looking at him. "This song is so beautiful, Tuomas... I..." She blushed, "I'm really sorry but I just couldn't hold it back... it's so emotional." Tuomas was stunned; he looked at Tarja, unable to say anything. She had cried because of his song, the song he had written for her. Suddenly Tarja broke their eye contact and looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry for ruining the song", she mumbled. Tuomas shook his head. "No Tarja, you didn't! You were wonderful, I loved the way you sang it!" Tarja looked up at him again and smiled shyly. "Really?" Tuomas nodded. Slowly he stretched out his hand and wiped a remained tear from her cheek, when all of a sudden Tarja took a step forward. She was so close to him now that he couldn't think straight anymore and without even thinking about it he leaned down and kissed her.


	5. Chapter 5

In the moment Tuomas' lips met Tarja's, he felt thousands of fireworks exploding inside him. He had always dreamed of this moment but he had never even dared to hope that it would actually ever happen.   
First he expected Tarja to pull back, but when she didn't, Tuomas deepened the kiss. He was sure that he had arrived in heaven, feeling her soft lips on his own and smelling her sweet scent.  
Tarja now wrapped her arms around him and pulled herself closer while she returned the kiss passionately. One hand on her back and the other one in her long hair, Tuomas forgot everything around him as their kiss got more and more intimate. He couldn't believe what he was doing; it felt too good to be real but this wasn't one of his dreams. He was really kissing Tarja - and she kissed him back. 

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!?" Startled, Tuomas interrupted the kiss and let go of Tarja. The man who had screamed at them now walked up to the point were they still stood next to each other. His look was angry and hurt at the same time. Confused, Tuomas glanced at Tarja, but she didn't even notice him anymore. She was taken by surprise and the shock was clearly written on her face when she looked at her fiancé guiltily. "Tarja? What's going on here!?", Marcelo asked again while he gave Tuomas a hateful look. Tarja still seemed unable to say anything but Tuomas had already recovered from his shock. "Aren't you supposed to be in America, Marcelo!?" At this, Marcelo got even more angry and took a step forward. "And that's why you think you could mess around with my girlfriend!!?" "I didn't -" "Shut up! Did you really think I wouldn't find out about this? And to answer your question: My meeting was cancelled." He turned his head and looked at Tarja who had silently followed the fight between the two men. "I would have called, but I wanted to surprise you. I thought you'd be happy to see me, but apparently I was wrong." He turned around and was about to leave the room when Tarja finally moved. She grabbed Marcelo's arm in an attempt to hold him back. "Marcelo please, I'm sorry! Of course I'm glad to see you!" Tears were sparkling in her eyes again and Tuomas felt his disappointment overwhelming him. For a few beautiful moments he had hoped that everything would change now. The kiss had felt so right and he had already half expected Tarja to dump Marcelo after this, but he had been stupid! How could he have been so naíve!? As if a little kiss would ever change Tarja's feelings for her fiancé. "I love you Marcelo, and I am so sorry! I really don't know how this could happen..." Tarja looked at him desperately while Tuomas stood a few feet away from them, feeling awful and lost. Marcelo was still angry but his voice was more calm now. "Why would you kiss him, Tarja?", he asked and glanced at Tuomas shortly. "I thought you were nothing more than friends!" "We are! Marcelo, believe me, it didn't mean anything!" In that moment Tuomas' heart broke again, smashed into pieces by Tarja's words. He felt hot tears welling up in his eyes but tried his best to blink them away. He wouldn't cry now, not in front of Tarja and Marcelo. "Then why did it happen!?", Marcelo now asked desperately, "You don't just kiss your 'friend' without a reason, Tarja!" "Actually..." Tarja blushed and gave Tuomas a short look. Her eyes were still teary and when they met Tuomas' she looked away quickly. "...it wasn't me who started the kiss." Tarja's eyes were fixed to the ground, while Tuomas watched Marcelo who now looked at him directly, pure hate and anger in his face. "I knew it! How could you dare to kiss Tarja!? You know that she is engaged! To me!!" Marcelo's words echoed in Tuomas' head and he cursed the other man for reminding him of that fact. As if he couldn't see the ring on Tarja's finger and the love in her eyes whenever she looked at Marcelo. "I know", he mumbled, "but Tarja was right..." Tuomas swallowed hardly. Every part of his mind remonstrated against the words he was about to say; but he pushed his feelings away, knowing that he had to act rationally right now. "...it didn't mean anything." Tuomas glanced at Tarja shortly and for the fraction of a second he thought he'd see some kind of a disappointed or even hurt expression on her face. But in the next moment it was gone and he came to the conclusion that he had probably imagined it. Why would she care about his words? She had said it herself; the kiss hadn't meant anything to her. But Marcelo still didn't seem satisfied and Tarja tried once more to explain the situation to him. "See Marcelo, I just didn't feel so well after the concert and Tuomas was there to comfort me... we weren't planning this, it just happened, but there is nothing between us. I love you Marcelo." "It won't happen again", Tuomas added, fighting with the tears again as he realized that these had been the only true words he had said in a while. "OH, I HOPE THAT FOR YOU!", Marcelo now screamed while taking a step closer, "if you ever even think about repeating this, I'm gonna make you pay!" "Marcelo..." Tarja placed a hand on his shoulder; tears and shock were clearly visible in her eyes. But Marcelo didn't respond to her at all. "I'm serious, Holopainen! Stay away from her!", he hissed. Tuomas tried to look defiant but failed miserably. It was too much, the whole situation was a horrible nightmare and he wished nothing more than to be alone. "Marcelo, please", Tarja now whispered, still trying to soothe him, "it's okay, calm down." But she had said the wrong thing. "Calm down!? My fiancée just kissed someone else and you expect me to CALM DOWN!?? I can't!! Do you have any idea of how I feel right now!?" "Marcelo, let's talk about this in peace" Tarja said, with a voice as if she was talking to a five year old. "Alone", she then added with a glimpse in Tuomas' direction. Marcelo still looked angry but finally he let Tarja pull him out of the room gently. In the door frame she turned around and for a few seconds she and Tuomas looked into each other's eyes. He saw a single tear running down her cheek and whispered a short "I'm sorry", before Tarja eventually left, leaving him alone with his broken heart. Tuomas still waited a few seconds until he was sure that Tarja couldn't hear him anymore, then he finally gave in to his pain and let his tears flow freely.


	6. Chapter 6

A few days had passed since the incident after the concert and to Tuomas' dismay Tarja had avoided him as good as possible lately. She came to the rehearsals later than usually and did everything to not be alone with him. Tuomas felt sad and lonely; the fact that Marcelo seemed to be around almost all the time didn't make it better for him and he was afraid that maybe things would never get back to normal between Tarja and him.   
But Tuomas tried to distract himself as good as possible since he had a lot of work to do anyway. Their tour wasn't that far away anymore and he still had to organize a lot of stuff, which didn't give him much time to think about Tarja.   
He was just sitting in his apartment and talking to a promoter in Helsinki who had called to discuss some last details when his doorbell rang. Quite annoyed Tuomas went to open the door while he still spoke into his phone. "Listen, it's really important that we'll get a private room backstage so that -" He paused when he opened the door and looked right into Tarja's green eyes. His heart missed a beat and within a second all the memories about the kiss welled up in him again. But Tuomas pushed the thoughts away and tried to concentrate on his current situation. Tarja smiled shyly as she noticed that he was on the phone but Tuomas stepped aside to let her in. "I'm sorry, can I call you back?", he asked the promoter. "You don't have to, I can wait", Tarja whispered but Tuomas had already ended his call. "What are you doing here?", he asked while he closed the door behind her. She followed him into the living room where she let herself fall on one of his chairs. Tuomas remained standing and looked at her questioning. "I need to talk to you.", Tarja stated and Tuomas swallowed. They hadn't talked much within the last days but it couldn't go on like that forever. But even though he was glad that Tarja finally wanted to break the ice and talk to him, he wasn't sure if it was a good idea. The memory of the kiss was beautiful and heartbreaking at once and he doubted that he would be able to talk about it without bursting into tears because of what had happened afterwards. "About what?", he asked, desperate to delay the painful conversation as far as possible. "Don't act as if you wouldn't notice it, Tuomas. Things have changed between us since... you know."   
"Since your fiancé freaked out after I kissed you..." Tarja nodded. She avoided Tuomas' gaze for a moment and he watched her biting her lower lip nervously. Finally she took a deep breath and looked at Tuomas directly. "I'm sorry for just disappearing with Marcelo. We should have talked about it immediately -" "It's okay Tarja", Tuomas interrupted, "There isn't much to talk about anyway. I kissed you, you didn't like it, that's it." Tarja shook her head. „It’s not that I didn't like it Tuomas. It's just... I'm engaged. And I will marry Marcelo, so this can't happen again. We are only friends, right?" Tuomas remained silent for a moment. No, she wasn't just a friend to him, she was so much more, she was the love of his life and she would always be but he couldn't tell her that. But at the same time Tuomas didn't want to lie to her about his feelings. He had been able to lie to Marcelo and also to Marco; but to Tarja? It felt wrong to deny his love for her but telling her the truth would change everything between them. They were just talking to each other again and he couldn't destroy that relationship now. So he nodded slowly. "Of course we are. And I really don't want to put that friendship on risk." Tarja smiled; a smile that warmed his aching heart and eased his pain at least a bit. "Me neither!", she mumbled. For a while they remained silent; Tarja seemed to consider her nails extremely interesting while Tuomas just started at her, wondering if it was possible that she had got even more beautiful during the last days. He just wanted to open his mouth to say something, even though he had no idea what, when the awkward silence was interrupted by a ringing noise. Startled Tarja looked up from her nails and needed a while to realize that the noise was coming from her phone. She looked at the display and then at Tuomas, blushing slightly. "Umm... sorry, but I should probably get that", she said. Tuomas smiled, almost relieved for the call because he didn't have to think of something to say anymore. But his smile faded away within a second when Tarja answered the call. "Hey Marcelo." This damn idiot! Angrily Tuomas starred at the phone in Tarja's hand. Why did Marcelo always have to destroy his moments with Tarja? It felt as if she was never alone anymore; her fiancé was always there to watch over her, as if he couldn't accept that Tarja had a private life without him. “I went jogging”, Tarja now said, “I'll be back soon.” Tuomas could see her blushing and his anger became confusion. Had she really just lied to Marcelo? Tuomas looked at her questioning but Tarja avoided his gaze. “Like I said, Marcelo, I'll be back soon. There's nothing to worry about… I love you too… bye.” As soon as Tarja had ended her phone call, Tuomas was about to say something but Tarja forestalled him. “I... I should go. It was good to talk to you but Marcelo is waiting and -” “Why did you lie to him?”, Tuomas interrupted. Tarja, who had got up from her chair, froze in her movement and blushed again. She remained silent for a moment, intently careful not to look at Tuomas. “He is still angry about the… about what happened after the concert”, she finally whispered, “I just don't think he would be happy if he knew I visited you...” Tuomas swallowed but couldn't help himself for feeling a bit triumphant. Though, that feeling disappeared when he spotted the tears in Tarja eyes. Without hesitating Tuomas crossed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her. For a moment she seemed to relax in his embrace but then she pushed him away tenderly. Tuomas bit his lip, knowing that his thoughtless action had been a mistake. “Sorry, I -” “I really have to go, Tuomas”, Tarja said. She looked at him determinedly but was unable to hide the tremor in her voice. Tuomas nodded slowly while he asked himself if they would ever be able to be friends again. They had agreed to be, but this was so much easier said than done. He couldn't look at Tarja without feeling the urge to kiss her and his heart started beating heavily whenever she was around. Her voice was the most wonderful sound he had ever heard while her beauty took his breath away whenever he saw her. And these things would never change; his love for her would always affect their friendship, if it wouldn’t even destroy it. "Tuomas?” Snapped out of his thoughts Tuomas looked up. Tarja had already reached the door, her hand was laying on the door handle. Even in the dim light of the hallway Tuomas could see tears shimmering in her green eyes. “Thank you for comforting me after the concert. It really meant a lot." Tuomas' mouth got dry. “I'd do it again anytime”, he whispered, but Tarja had already left the apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

The hotel lobby in which Tuomas and the other guys spent their afternoon was almost empty. Only half an hour ago it had been full of fans, who had already spent half of the day waiting for Nightwish to arrive at the hotel to get autographs and to take pictures. The first concert of the tour would take place in Helsinki that evening and the atmosphere among the fans had already been very excited. But after almost an hour the hotel security had made them leave to give the band members some time to relax before the concert and Tuomas was more than grateful for that. The day had been exhausting and he was glad to have a few hours in peace, without screaming people around him. "Gosh, I'm so happy to be on tour again!", Marco stated, "I really missed this." "Same here", Jukka agreed, while Tuomas and Empuu nodded. Being on tour with the band was wonderful; giving concerts almost every day, meeting people, seeing so many different places - only the travelling itself was something none of them really liked. Especially since Tarja used to go by plane with Marcelo instead of joining the other band members in the tour bus, Tuomas couldn't enjoy the rides as much as before. So he had really looked forward to spend some time with her at the hotel, but after the meet and greet she and Marcelo had gone to their apartment instantly - much to Tuomas' displeasure. "Are you okay, Tuomas?", Emppu suddenly asked. Tuomas looked up from his empty coffee mug on which he had been staring for the last minutes. "Yes, why?" "I don't know, you are so quiet today... or rather for several days already..." He looked at Tuomas concerned and the keyboarder bit his lip. He would love to talk to somebody about his problems, but he couldn't. This was something between Tarja and him and as long as he couldn't tell her he had to deal with it alone. Talking to Emppu wouldn't change something anyway; it would only make things more complicated but it wouldn't change anything about his feelings and his pain. "I'm fine", he lied, "I'm just a bit tired." Emppu frowned; the concerned expression didn't leave his face. But before he was able to ask any further questions, Marco broke in. "Then why don't you take a little nap before the concert? I'm sure it would help you." Tuomas nodded mechanically and rose from his chair. "I will. See you later, guys." "Sleep well, Tuomi", Emppu teased and Tuomas had to suppress a grin.

Deep in thoughts Tuomas approached his apartment. Maybe he would really try to get some sleep, even though his nervousness probably wouldn't let him. The concert would start in three hours and he could already feel this well-known tension growing inside him. Trying to guide his thoughts away from the upcoming evening Tuomas was just about to open the door to his room, when he heard loud, arguing voices coming from the apartment next to his own. First he wanted to ignore the fighting couple but then he recognized the voices and he felt anger and malicious joy welling up in him at the same time. Slowly, for not to make any noises, he walked over to Tarja's and Marcelo's room until he was so close that he could understand every word. "I thought we talked about this, Marcelo! I thought you'd trust me!", Tarja just screamed and Tuomas clenched his hands into fists. How he would love to storm into the room and hit Marcelo in his stupid face! "You expect me to trust you!?", Marcelo now yelled back, "Then maybe you shouldn't have kissed him in the first place!" "I didn't start it!" "Maybe, but you also didn't do anything against it! And to be honest, you looked as if you were pretty much enjoying it!" Tuomas gasped. Had Marcelo really meant that? Was he maybe even right and Tarja had enjoyed the kiss? _It's not that I didn't like it_ , she had said, but did that mean - "I... I was surprised okay!? I didn't... I... Why are we even talking about this again!?" Tarja didn’t sound that confident anymore, rather as if she desperately tried to change the subject. "Because you expect me to trust you! But it's not that easy anymore. Do you even love me Tarja? Because sometimes I'm not entirely sure about that..." For a moment they remained silent; everything Tuomas could hear was the sound of his own beating heart and he couldn't wait for Tarja's answer. When she finally started talking again her voice was calm and Tuomas had to get closer to the door to understand what she was saying. "Of course I love you Marcelo. And I am sorry for the kiss... I told you it wouldn't happen again, but I can't change the past so what do you expect me to do?" Marcelo sighed. "It's not only about the kiss, Tarja. It's about everything; the way you smile at him, the way your eyes shine whenever you say his name, the way you looked at me after you had kissed him... I just can't get rid of the feeling that there's something going on between you." Tuomas held his breath; his heart was racing and he had to lean against the wall because he suddenly felt dizzy. Was all of this really true? He had never noticed any of the things Marcelo just had mentioned but maybe he was right. What if Tarja did have feelings for him? _Idiot_ , he thought. She had said it herself: The kiss hadn't meant anything, they were nothing more than friends and after all she still was engaged. _But she lied to Marcelo when she visited you... so she obviously doesn't trust him fully..._ , a small voice in his head whispered, but Tuomas pushed the thought away. He wouldn't be that naïve again; he wouldn't give in to his secret hopes just to get disappointed once more. "We are friends, Marcelo", Tarja now said; her voice was still calm, but she couldn't hide her annoyance. "But nothing more. There isn't anything between us; I don't feel for him... and neither does he -" Tuomas couldn't hear the rest of the sentence, and he wasn't even sure if he would have wanted it. His mind was filled with Tarja's words and was unable to notice anything else around him. _I don't feel for him_. Tuomas couldn't think strait, everything was spinning around in his head. He had known it, had expected this answer - why did it hurt so much? _And neither does he_. How could she think that? He wanted her to know the truth, wanted her to know how much he loved her. _We are friends_. But nothing more. How could words be so painful? Words he had already heard before - why did they still hurt so much? Tuomas wanted to run away, far away from Tarja and Marcelo, away from the hotel and the expectantly waiting fans; somewhere where he wouldn't be forced to hear these words. But his legs didn't obey him. He stood in the empty hallway, listening to the echoing voices in his head, while every single word felt like a knife stab right through his heart. _I love you, Marcelo_. Still dizzy Tuomas leaned his head against the wall, trying to calm down but he couldn't - his pain was overwhelming. He covered his ears with his hands but it was senseless; Tarja's voice still didn't disappear and he slowly slid down the wall until he came to sit on the ground, where he buried his head in his knees.


	8. Chapter 8

Tuomas had no idea how long he had been sitting on the ground next to Tarja's apartment. She and Marcelo had kept fighting but Thomas had only perceived it as a background noise. He didn't care what they were arguing about anymore - it wasn't important. Nothing was. When suddenly the door was opened, Tuomas winced startled and looked up. Tarja stormed out of the room without even noticing Tuomas and ran down the corridor while she wiped some tears from her cheek. "Tarja wait!", Marcelo yelled and came out of the apartment as well, but Tarja didn't answer and vanished into the staircase. Tuomas pressed himself closer against the wall, hoping that Marcelo wouldn't see him, but he was too busy with his own problems anyway. "Damn it", he mumbled, slammed the door and followed Tarja hastily. Tuomas waited until he couldn't hear their steps anymore, then he finally got up from the floor. With shaking hands Tuomas opened the door to his own room and entered. A short glimpse at his watch told him that he had only two hours left until the concert would start and since he knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep now anyway, he decided to return to the others as soon as he had calmed down a bit. Slowly he went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror above the sink. His face was pale; he looked as if he had seen a ghost and the black stripes on his cheeks made him wonder whether he had cried - he couldn't remember. Like in trance Tuomas let some cold water run over his hands and face while he took some deep breathes, desperate to get rid of the pain and unrest inside him. But the water was only limitedly helpful; the disturbed expression didn't leave his face and in the end Tuomas just swallowed a painkiller for his slowly increasing headache and hoped that his friends wouldn't be all too suspicious.

When Tuomas reached the lobby he instantly noticed that something was wrong. Marco, Emppu and Jukka were discussing wildly while they let their eyes wander through the room as if they were searching for something. Emppu checked his phone every two seconds and Marco stroke his beard nervously. "What's going on here?", Tuomas asked as soon as he was close enough to be heard. Jukka turned his head around and Tuomas could see the worried expression on his face. "Have you seen Tarja?" Tuomas hesitated for a moment, unsure whether he should tell the others about the incident he had witnessed earlier. "Why?", he asked a bit confused. Emppu, who had just looked at his phone again, raised his head. "Marcelo just came here and said that she ran away... and we have no idea where she could be." Tuomas frowned. "Well... I saw her running out of her apartment earlier, but Marcelo followed her - where is he actually?" Marco pointed at a door at the other side of the room. "He's checking the lady's room. I already told him we didn't see her going there but he still wanted to look." He rolled his eyes in annoyance while Tuomas walked up and down the room nervously. Where could Tarja be? What if something had happened to her? What if she wouldn't return in time for the concert? "I hope she's fine and we'll find her within the next hour", Emppu said, and made Tuomas wonder if he could read thoughts. Marco shrugged. "Marcelo said they had a big fight and she ran away... he lost her in the staircase." A picture of Tarja running down the hallway appeared in Tuomas head and his worries increased when Marcelo returned, still without her. "Told you she isn't there.", Marco mumbled and Marcelo bit his lip. And then he noticed Tuomas. For a few seconds the two men just started at each other angrily, both putting as much hate into their gazes as possible. But then Tuomas' concern surpassed his anger and he broke the eye contact, determined to find Tarja instead of wasting his time with her stupid fiancé. "Maybe we should text her...", he suggested, only to earn another scathing look from Marcelo. "Do you really think I didn't already try it!? I gave her three calls and sent her several messages but she didn't respond to any of them!" "Guys!", Marco broke in, "Stop fighting; you're acting like children and this won't help us. Emppu texted her as well, for no use though. I'm sure she'll return in time, maybe she just needs a moment for herself." "And what if something happened to her!?", Tuomas interrupted. Marcelo looked at him and Tuomas could see the sudden fear in his eyes. "You mean... something serious?" Tuomas shrugged and Marcelo buried his face in his hands and sat down on a chair. "I didn't want this...", he whispered and the other guys shared a concerned look. They had never seen Marcelo in such a bad condition and were unsure how to deal with the situation. "I'm sure she's okay", Marco tried to comfort him but Marcelo didn't even seem to hear him. "I love her... god, how could I be such an idiot! I'll never forgive myself if something happens to her." Jukka patted his shoulder helplessly and for a moment Tuomas just stood there and watched the scenery in front of him. And I won't forgive you either, he thought and then he exploded: "Marcelo, you are not the only one who is worried okay!? But this is your fault so don't just sit there and pity yourself; we have to do something!" "What the hell do you expect me to do!?" Marcelo's concern had left his face which was full of hate now. Tuomas glared at him angrily, "I don't know, maybe search for her? - I'll text her", he then decided. Marcelo let out a dry laughter. "Yes... as if you'd get an answer from her after she's been ignoring everyone for half an hour..." "Stop fighting!!", Emppu suddenly screamed and the arguing men fell silent. "She will come back in time, she would never let us down just because of some stupid fight. And Tuomas, text her, even though I don't think it will help..." Tuomas nodded and pulled out his phone; his hands were shaking while he started typing a short message.   
_Tarja, I know you're probably annoyed by all the messages but I'm really concerned about you... please just let me know if you're okay. – Tuomas_  
He didn't set much hope in an answer but at least he had tried it. Emppu and Jukka were discussing whether they should search for Tarja but nobody knew where to start and so they just ended up waiting.   
The following minutes felt like an eternity to Tuomas. The increasing worries mixed up with his anger on Marcelo and made him feel horrible. If he only could get to Tarja, comfort her - but she didn't want him; she had chosen Marcelo and she loved him, no matter what. The thought was painful. Couldn't Tarja see what he saw? Feel what he felt? Was she really so blind, blinded by her love? Or was he, Tuomas, just unable to swallow his hatred and see the good in Marcelo? Was he maybe even a nice, caring guy and Tuomas hated him wrongly? He couldn't find an answer to his questions but he had already forgotten about them anyway when his phone rang and told him that he had a new message. Everyone's head turned around as Tuomas reached for his phone. His heart started beating faster when he saw that the message was from Tarja.   
_Don't worry, I'm fine. Just need to be alone a bit, I'll be back soon. - Tarja PS. Please don't tell Marcelo I wrote you... we had a little fight and he'd probably freak out because I didn't answer his messages..._ A deep breath escaped Tuomas' lungs. Relieved and nervous at once he looked at the others who stared at him questioning. "And?", Marcelo asked, as the silence lasted too long. Tuomas would have loved to show the message to him - just to see his face; but he could hold himself back. "It wasn't Tarja...", he lied instead and didn't miss the satisfied expression that crossed Marcelo's face for the fraction of a second. "Just some business stuff", he added and tried to look worried again, but inside he was smiling widely about his little victory.


	9. Chapter 9

The bar was filled with people, laughter sounded through the big room and serious conversations slowly turned into silly discussions. Tuomas was sitting on a small table together with the other band members, Tarja - to his delight - right next to him.   
When she had finally returned to the hotel about half an hour before the concert, everyone had been really relieved; especially the ones who hadn't known about her text message. They had seen that she had cried but they had been polite and hadn't asked many questions. She and Marcelo had had and short conversation and after it everything between them had seemed to be fine again.   
The concert had been a really great success. They had given one encore after another and had enjoyed being on stage again. And when after it Marcelo had left to meet some friends, Tarja had actually agreed to join the others in a bar to celebrate the start of their tour.

"I think this was the best concert ever!", Tarja now stated, "I mean... EVER! In the history of Nightwish - no, in the history of music!" Tuomas laughed and nodded in agreement. "It probably was." "Why don't you join us in a bar more often, Tarja?", Jukka asked and grinned. Tarja shrugged. "I don't drink usually... it's not good for my voice." Marco nodded slowly, not entirely able to suppress his grin. "Yes, we notice that you're not used to alcohol." Tarja giggled and took another sip from her wine. "I can endure a lot!", she claimed, but didn't seem really convincing when she spilled half of the wine. "Sure you're okay?", Tuomas whispered and took the glass from her hand carefully. "Of course I am!" He gave her a concerned look but didn't say anything else. He knew that it was senseless anyway since Tarja could be very stubborn. But watching her getting more and more drunk didn't feel completely right either...  
Tuomas' thoughts were interrupted when Emppu leaned over the table and almost knocked over his glass. "So, Tarja? Have you and Marcelo stopped fighting?", he asked. The singer let out an angelic laugh which made Tuomas' heart melt. It was one of the sounds he probably loved most in the world and he could have listened to it for hours. "Yes, we did", she stated and made Tuomas frown. Their fight had sounded really serious, it was hard to believe that they had just left it behind. "Guess we both made some mistakes and -" Tarja chuckled like a little girl and reached for her glass, "Well, I can't be angry at him forever... and neither can he. We're gonna get married soon, we have to work as a team." Frustrated, Tuomas felt his mood impairing at these words but he kept quiet. "Good to hear", Jukka said, "It would be exhausting if you two wouldn't talk to each other for the rest of the tour." Tarja laughed again and needed to lean against Tuomas shoulder for not to lose balance. Instinctively he lay an arm around her to support her which caused her to smile at him thankfully. "Tarja, I really think I should bring you back to the hotel... We don't need you to collapse here." "I'm absolutely fine, really!", she claimed but Tuomas shook his head. "You are not. I'll bring you back now; then you can go to sleep and tomorrow everything is gonna be fine again." Tarja still protested slightly but finally she gave up and let Tuomas pull her on her feet gently. "You really already wanna leave us, Tuomas?" Emppu looked at him a bit surprised; they used to party until the early morning and now it was just shortly after midnight. But Tuomas only nodded. "I'm worried about her", he mumbled, "She really isn't used to it and I don't want something to happen to her..." Carefully he put his arm around Tarja's waist and after he had said goodbye to his friends, he guided her out of the bar

It was a beautiful night and the fresh air felt wonderful on Tuomas' face. For a while he and Tarja walked in silence but the whole time he couldn't turn his eyes away from her. She looked so pretty; her eyes were sparkling in the starlight, her hair was waving around her head and the soft smile on her lips made her even more perfect. For a moment Tuomas asked himself if he should kiss her but he knew that he couldn't do that. She was happily engaged and he had to accept that; and also she was drunk. He didn't want to take advantage of her state and so he only kept staring at her. "I love being outside at night.", Tarja finally broke the silence. "Everything is so... different than usually. Somehow romantic." Tuomas swallowed. He knew that Tarja probably wasn't entirely aware of what she was saying but he started getting nervous. "You know Tuomas... Night is something magical. I mean, everything is in darkness but sometimes it makes you see things so much clearer." She lay her head back and looked into the dark sky. "Look at the stars", Tarja whispered, "It's like nothing really matters. We are so small... so unimportant in universe..." _And still, you mean the world to me_ , Tuomas thought. But he didn't dare to say it. "You are really pretty drunk, ain't you?", he asked instead. Tarja giggled and nodded. "Yepp. But it's absolutely worth it... makes you forget about all your problems for some time. Kinda relieving actually." With a worried glance, Tuomas took her hand and pulled her further. "Don't overdo it, Tarja. If you have any problems it's better to talk about them instead of pushing them away." In the next moment he realized what he was saying and bit his lip. He wasn't a good role model when it came to talking about problems and he really wasn't the one to tell something about staying away from alcohol. He had been quite about his sorrow for ages and it had gotten him nowhere. But Tarja didn't answer and let him guide her through the night until they finally reached the hotel. Without even asking, Tuomas accompanied her all the way to her apartment. "Is Marcelo already back?", he asked and a part of him actually hoped so because he didn't embrace the thought of leaving Tarja alone now. But she shook her head. "He's with his friends the whole night I guess... I don't expect him until noon." She laughed shortly, then she pulled the key out of her pocket. Concerned, Tuomas watched her trying to get the key into the keyhole but after a few failed attempts he reached out to help her. When he took the key from Tarja, their hands touched - not on purpose this time - and Tuomas felt himself shivering. It was just a brief moment but it felt like one of the highlights of his day.

Finally Tuomas opened the door and Tarja stepped into the room. Hesitantly, Tuomas remained standing in the doorway until he cleared his throat. "Shall... shall I come in?" He wasn't sure how she would react to his question but Tarja just smiled and nodded. "Sure." So Tuomas took a step forward and closed the door behind him. "I'll stay till you're in bed, okay? Just in case." "Thank you.", Tarja mumbled before she vanished into the bathroom to change.   
Nervously, Tuomas looked around in the apartment. He was unsure whether he should sit down or not, so he started walking around. Suddenly he remembered that this was the room where Tarja and Marcelo had had their fight, while Tuomas himself had sat outside in the hallway, unnoticed by the couple. Now he was inside with Tarja, while her fiancé wasn't there... Somehow it was an awkward situation but he also felt triumphant. Even though he knew that Marcelo was with friends and that he and Tarja were fine again, Tuomas felt as if he had beaten Marcelo - again. _Stop it!_ he thought angrily, _Don't kid yourself. She and Marcelo belong together, they'll get married and you are nothing but her friend!_ But he still couldn't get rid of his thoughts. They were circling around Tarja and everything she had ever said or done... Even Marcelo had wondered if Tarja had feelings for him. _But they are not fighting any longer. So Tarja must have convinced him that she loves him... and only him._ Desperately Tuomas leaned his forehead against the cool window. Sometimes all of this just became too much for him. Sometimes his feelings threatened to overwhelm him and the deep pain got too strong. For a few minutes he stared at the dark street outside, until he noticed a movement in the reflection of the window and turned around. Tarja had returned from the bathroom, now dressed in a simple, white pyjama and smiled tiredly. Tuomas smiled back and stepped away from the window. "Are you okay?", he asked, while Tarja crawled into her bed. "Yes... just really tired." Like to emphasize her words, she yawned and closed her eyes as soon as her head touched the pillow. "Then good night, Tarja", Tuomas whispered but he wasn't sure if Tarja had even heard him or if she already was asleep. For a moment he looked at her, admiring her beauty, then he forced himself to turn his eyes away. Quietly, he approached the door and was about to leave the room when he heard Tarja whispering his name. "Tuomas?" Surprised, he turned around. Tarja looked at him sleepily and had obviously struggles to keep her eyes open. "Yes?", Tuomas gave back and smiled at her. "I love you." Her words were nothing but a whisper and if Tuomas hadn't seen her lips moving he would be sure that he had imagined it. Completely shocked, he still thought about what to say when he noticed that Tarja had already drifted back to sleep, a soft smile on her lips.


	10. Chapter 10

_I love you._  
His eyes wide open, Tuomas lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling. It was almost three in the morning but he couldn't sleep at all. Tarja's words circled around in his head, and he couldn't think about anything but her.   
_I love you._  
She had said it. She had really said these three words. To him!  
 _I love you._  
She had been halfly asleep and also pretty drunk, but she had definitely said this. And drunk people told the truth, didn't they?  
 _I love you._  
Could this really be true? Could Tarja be in love with him? What would happen in the morning? Should he kiss her? Or would she kiss him? Would he finally be able to tell her about his feelings?  
 _I love you._  
Would Tarja cancel her wedding? How would Marcelo react to this? He'd probably freak out... or did he already know?   
_I love you._  
Tuomas closed his eyes and imagined the next day. How he would see Tarja again... How she would smile at him brightly, her wonderful smile that he loved so much... How he would smile back... How Tarja would wrap her arms around him and kiss him deeply and how he would return the kiss... And how he would finally tell her the truth...  
 _I love you._  
Finally, after another hour of thinking, Tuomas fell asleep and even his dreams were about Tarja. 

_I love you._

When Tuomas got up a few hours later, he felt optimistic and full of élan. Humming, he made his way down to the breakfast room of the hotel and he just couldn't stop smiling while he thought about the previous night.   
"Morning Tuomas", Marco greeted, as Tuomas reached their table, "What's up, why are you in such a good mood?" The blonde looked at him as if he was seriously ill but Tuomas only shrugged and grinned even more. "It's a wonderful day, don't you think?" "Hm... If you say so." Marco yawned and reached for the coffee pot that stood on the table. "Have you seen the others?", he then added. Tuomas shook his head. "They're probably still asleep."   
With great anticipation he looked around in the room but couldn't find Tarja anywhere. Though, he wasn't really surprised. She had been so tired the other day, maybe she wouldn't even show up for breakfast. However, he would see her later then... and he just knew that everything would be perfect. Without even noticing he let out a happy sigh which made Marco frown. "Seriously, did you take drugs or something?" Tuomas laughed but didn't answer and in that moment they were joined by Emppu. "Hey guys", he mumbled and let himself fall on a chair next to Marco. "You look awful", Tuomas stated, "How long have you been partying?" Emppu shrugged and gave Tuomas a tired look. "I don't know... 5am... 5:30 maybe..." Tuomas grinned. "Well, as long as you can play this evening..." This evening. If everything worked out the way he imagined it, Tarja and he would already be a couple at their next concert. "What the hell...", Emppu whispered and stared at Tuomas whose beam seemed even brighter than the sun outside. "Who are you? And what happened to Tuomas??" "Just don't ask...", Marco mumbled, "He's been acting like that since he showed up here... guess he's either on drugs or he starts becoming completely insane." Emppu laughed but Tuomas didn't even listen to them. He was still thinking about the upcoming evening and imagined how he would kiss Tarja backstage - for and after the concert. Maybe she would even join him in his apartment later? Tuomas couldn't imagine that she would still share a room with Marcelo once she had broken up with him. He blushed at the thought what he and Tarja could be doing in less than twenty-four hours.   
"I- I'll get myself something to eat", he informed the others before he started approaching the buffet.   
Deep in thoughts he almost didn't notice the black-haired woman who stepped into the room. He was only a few feet away from her when he looked up and found himself right in front of Tarja. She looked a bit tired, but beautiful as always. "Hey", Tuomas said - at least he tried to, but his voice broke and everything that came over his lips was a whisper. "Hey Tuomas", Tarja gave back and smiled. For a moment he was unsure what to do; he searched Tarja's eyes for a hint, a sign, but there was nothing.   
_I love you._ He had no reason to be afraid anymore. Slowly he took a step forward, ready to pull her in his arms, when she said something that made him froze in his movement.   
"At least there's one person who doesn't seem to suffer from a complete hangover." "Are you okay?", Tuomas asked concerned. Tarja smiled weakly and shrugged. "Yeah I'm okay I think. But I'm having a complete blackout... last thing I remember is that you wanted to bring me to the hotel. I woke up in my bed, so I guess you succeeded." She let out a short laughter but Tuomas couldn't even force a smile on his face. He was shocked. Completely shocked and shattered. _She can't remember_ , he thought, slowly realizing what this meant. _She said she loved me and now she can't remember_. "Did I miss anything?", Tarja asked and watched Tuomas interested. He remained silent for a moment, unsure whether he should tell her. "Eh... you..." He paused. "Did I do anything? Oh, please tell me I didn't act all too embarrassing." Tarja seemed seriously concerned but Tuomas shook his head. "No you... you didn't do anything..." "But...?", Tarja demanded to know. Tuomas felt his heart racing like crazy; he had to tell her. If she loved him, she had to know that he knew. "You... you said something... to me..." Tarja blushed. "Oh god. Something stupid?" "No... you..." He paused again. This was way harder than he had thought. What if she didn't believe him? Or what if she denied her feelings? He took a deep breath and silently prepared the words he wanted to say to her. _You said that you loved me, Tarja. And you made me so happy with that. 'Cause I love you too... more than anything_. Suddenly Tarja interrupted his thoughts. "You don't have to tell me Tuomas", she said smiling "If it was something embarrassing or stupid... just forget it. You know, I was really drunk so... Whatever I said, I probably didn't mean it." 

Tuomas felt as if she had slapped him. _I probably didn't mean it._ He had been stupid. She was right, she had been drunk. And almost asleep; maybe she hadn't even meant him. Maybe she had dreamed about Marcelo and had said these words to him. I'm so stupid!, he thought and looked at Tarja desperately. This just shouldn't be. They weren't meant to be together. "Are you okay?", Tarja asked. Tuomas looked up and into her eyes. He felt like drowning in them and his imaginations and dreams crossed his mind again; but he decided that he couldn't tell her about the past night. It would only make things even more complicated between them. "Yes, I'm fine", Tuomas claimed, "Just a bit tired as well." Tarja laughed. "I can imagine..."   
Tuomas already wanted to turn around and finally go to the buffet - even though he wasn't really hungry anymore - when he heard another familiar voice. "Morning sweetie!" Marcelo had just entered the room and now lay his arms around Tarja. "Hey", she whispered, "You're already awake?" Marcelo smiled and kissed her shortly. "I wanted to have breakfast with you so, yes, I am." Without even looking at Tuomas, Marcelo reached for Tarja's hand and pulled her over to the table were Emppu and Marco still sat - and Tarja didn't turn around.   
Completely lost, Tuomas stared after them and asked himself once more how he could have been so naïve and stupid.


	11. Chapter 11

"Oh my god, Tuomas, are you okay!?" Marco looked at him worried when Tuomas returned to their table and sat down on a chair next to Emppu. Too late he noticed that Tarja was sitting to his left side.  
He nodded, but didn't dare to look anyone in the eyes. Instead he pretended to concentrate on his scrambled eggs, though he wasn't hungry at all. "You don't look like that", Marco stated, "You were in such a good mood only ten minutes ago... and now you look as if someone died!" _Not someone. Something. Inside me._  
"I'm fine, really!" He felt the concerned looks of his friends on him, but still didn't turn his eyes away from his plate. The day had started perfectly. He had felt like the happiest man alive and he had had no doubt that he'd hold Tarja in his arms by the end of the day.  
But now everything had turned out differently. Nothing had changed; quite the opposite - the hope he had felt before made him feel even more desperate.'  
Tuomas hadn't even noticed how his eyes had become wet. Only when a tear ran over his cheek and fell on the table, he realized that he was about to cry and bit his lip in an attempt to avoid this. He was just thinking about getting up and leaving the room with some excuse, when suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Hey... What's wrong Tuomas?" Tarja's voice was soft and sounded seriously concerned. However, Tuomas still stared down on the plate in front of him and only shook his head. "N- Nothing." "You're lying. What happened? You looked so happy a few minutes ago..."  
Finally, Tuomas forced himself to look up. Everyone was staring at him, even Jukka was there, though Tuomas couldn't remember when he had joined them. Tarja's hand was still laying on his shoulder, but her other one was entwined with Marcelo's.  
"Come on Tuomas", Marco now pleaded, "Something must be terribly wrong. We're best friends, you can tell us!" Not answering, Tuomas wiped over his face to get rid of the tears; then he looked to his left and right into Tarja's eyes.  
For a second, time seemed to stand still. Tuomas' teary, blue eyes met Tarja's green ones, that were full of sympathy and he felt like he was drowning in them. Tarja seemed so worried about him... And there was also something else in her look but Tuomas couldn't tell what it was. "Tuomas", Emppu said energetically, which made the strange moment come to a sudden end, "If you have a problem, please talk to us... there is always a solution; whatever it is, you don't have to endure it alone." Tuomas looked at him sadly. "No, you are wrong, Emppu. There's not a solution for everything... not for this", he whispered and tried not to look in Tarja's direction again. She was still holding Marcelo's hand and the light that was reflected by her engagement ring drew a simple pattern on the tablecloth.  
Feeling hot tears rising in his eyes again, Tuomas suddenly rose from his chair. He couldn't go through this any longer - sitting next to Tarja and Marcelo and feeling the worried views of his friends on him. "I'll get some fresh air", he mumbled without looking anyone in the eyes. He had already turned away from the table when Tarja reached for his hand and made him look at her once more. "Talk to me, if you need help..." Tuomas nodded slowly, but knew that he would never use her offer. He couldn't tell anyone and especially not her! Carefully he squeezed her hand before he let go of it and left the room with fast steps.

Relieved, Tuomas stepped out of the hotel and took a deep breath. Even though it was summer the air was still cool and Tuomas slightly regretted not bringing a jacket. But the cold wasn't his greatest problem at the moment. With a heavy sigh he leaned against the wall of the building and closed his eyes. Everything inside him felt empty and broken; Tarja didn't love him. She never had and she definitely never would. And if he really loved her, he had to accept that. But it was painful. His heart had been broken so many times already, and the scars just couldn't heal anymore.  
Letting out a desperate sob, Tuomas covered his face with his hands, as if this would help him to get the picture of Tarja out of his mind. But it was senseless; he couldn't ban her beautiful face from his inner eye.  
For a while he just stood there, the cold wall behind him, and tried to hold his tears back. He wouldn't cry. He would stay strong.   
"Tuomas?" Startled, he opened his eyes. Marco was standing in front of him and gave him a concerned look. "What happened?" For a moment Tuomas remained silent, then he bowed his head and stared at the ground. "I don't wanna talk about it, okay?" Marco sighed. "Come on, you don't make it better by not talking about it. Maybe I can help you if you tell me what's wrong..." "No, you can't", Tuomas stated, "Nobody can."  
He felt Marco's gaze on him but didn't look up; he didn't want him to see the tears that had risen in his eyes again.  
Still not giving up, Marco placed a hand on Tuomas' shoulder - the same shoulder were Tarja had touched him earlier. Painfully reminded of the compassionate look in her eyes, Tuomas finally raised his head. "I know you, Tuomas", Marco said quietly, "And I know the expression on your face. If I may guess... I'd say you got your heart broken."  
Shocked, Tuomas stared at Marco. Was he really so readable? Were his feelings so obvious? "I- How do you-" "Like I said, I know you. So I'm right?" Tuomas still stared at him with his mouth halfly open; then he nodded, knowing that it didn't make sense to deny it any longer. "I'm so sorry...", Marco whispered and friendly patted Tuomas' shoulder. "Is... Is she the one you write about? In your songs?" Tuomas nodded again. "And...", Marco paused and looked at Tuomas for a few seconds, "Does she know what you feel?" Biting his lip, Tuomas shook his head. "Then tell her!" "No. I can't do that. I'd ruin our friendship if I told her." Marco ran a hand through his beard and looked at Tuomas nervously. "But if you don't tell her, you can't be sure that she doesn't feel the same!" "I know that she doesn't." Marco opened his mouth to contradict but Tuomas forestalled him, "Also she is taken." "Oh", Marco mumbled and seemed sympathetic. But then his eyes widened. "Oh fuck." Confused and helpless, Tuomas stepped from one foot to the other while he was wondering whether he had said too much. "Will... will you attend her wedding?", Marco suddenly wanted to know. "What!?", Tuomas asked surprised, "How do you know who -" "Well, after everything you just told me, that's pretty obvious... and who else could it be?"  
Sighing, Tuomas leaned his back against the wall. He hadn't intended to let anyone know about his feelings but now he couldn't change it anymore.   
"You love Tarja."


	12. Chapter 12

After almost half an hour, Marco and Tuomas finally returned to the others. They had had a long talk where Tuomas had told his friend almost everything, leaving out the kiss and what Tarja had said to him the other night. Most of the time Marco had nodded understandingly while listening to his friend's sorrow.  
It had felt surprisingly good to talk about everything, but after it Tuomas had made Marco promise not to tell anyone else.  
Now they entered the breakfast room, where the others were still sitting at their table. Tuomas gaze fell on Tarja instantly; her head rested on Marcelo's shoulder who had put an arm around her. Marco gave Tuomas a pitiful look but he tried to ignore it. "Hey, you're back", Emppu greeted as he saw his friends, "Are you feeling better?" Tuomas shrugged and smiled weakly before he sat down on his chair - next to the loving couple. Marco took a seat as well while his gaze was still fixed on Tuomas.

"Good that you're back", Marcelo suddenly stated and Tuomas raised his head to look at him. "Tarja and I have great news." He pulled her closer and kissed her, a happy smile on his face. Tuomas felt a lump in the throat; he wasn't sure if he could endure any more news that morning. "Tell!", Emppu demanded and beamed excitedly. "Well", Marcelo started and paused to increase the suspense. "We have a date for our wedding!" "Wow, when?", Jukka asked. Tarja smiled happily. "August 25th." "That's soon", Tuomas mumbled and Tarja nodded. "Less than two months."  
Proudly, Marcelo pulled her on his lap and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I can't wait for you to be mine fully", he whispered close to her ear, but Tuomas could understand every word. "Me neither", Tarja gave back, "Somehow I still feel incomplete... but I know that will change once we're married. That's the last thing missing for me to be entirely happy." She closed her eyes and leaned back, obviously not noticing anything around her but Marcelo's embrace and the soft kisses he placed on her cheek.  
Angrily, Tuomas glared at Marcelo. All the pain inside him suddenly turned into hate and anger. Eager to give vent to his rage, he squashed his scrambled eggs with his fork, as if all his misery was their fault. "Is everything okay, Tuomas?", Emppu asked with a suspicious look at the crumbs on Tuomas' plate. "Yes", he grumbled; but under the table he clenched his hands into fists.  
Tarja still didn't seem to notice anything of her surroundings while Marcelo caressed her neck with his lips.  
Triggered by a sudden wave of pain and fury, Tuomas jumped to his feet which caused his chair to fall over and hit the floor with a loud noise. A few people turned their heads around to find out where the sound had come from but Tuomas didn't care about it. "Why don't you just get a room, you two!? I know you are in seventh heaven at the moment, but not everyone enjoys this as much as you do!" Surprised by his outburst, Tarja freed herself from Marcelo and looked at Tuomas confused. "Wow, what's going on with you!? I thought you were happy for us." Already regretting his little explosion, Tuomas shrugged and stared at the table. "I am... it's just a bit annoying if you are always... so busy." "I think what Tuomas is trying to say is... we don't get to spend so much time with you, Tarja", Marco jumped in and Tuomas gave him a thankful smile. "I know you're excited about the wedding, and for you two everything is just perfect right now, but it would be nice, if you wouldn't replace us fully." For a few seconds, Tarja looked at the two guys in shock; then she took a deep breath, obviously trying to swallow her anger. "Replace you? Seriously!? Excuse me, but since when am I not allowed to spend time with Marcelo!?" "You are! Of course you are...", Marco hastened to say and looked around a bit helpless. "Just... maybe... -" "Maybe what!? I am not replacing you! We are sitting here together! Yesterday we sat in the bar together! We played the concert together! What the hell is your problem??" Tarja jumped to her feed and turned her head around to look at Tuomas directly. He tried to avoid the eye contact and kept staring at the table in front of him. "I'm sorry, Tarja...", he mumbled, "I... I didn't want to attack you. I just... felt a bit excluded right now..." "Excluded!? We were just talking. All together!" "Yes. About your wedding!" In the second after Tuomas had said these words, he wished nothing more than to be able to take them back. Nervously, he bit his lip and risked a glance at Tarja. Tears of shock, anger and pain sparkled in her eyes and Tuomas new that he never should have said this. "Thank you, Tuomas.", she whispered, "Thank you for showing so much interest in my life. Thanks for being such a good friend and being happy for me. And thank you so much for accepting the one person who understands me and is there for me!" "The one person. Great to know how much we all mean to you!" Angrily Tuomas glanced at Tarja. He didn't want to be mean, didn't want to hurt her or make her cry; but he just couldn't hold it back anymore. He had swallowed his feelings for so long already and they threatened to overwhelm him. "At least Marcelo isn't screaming at me for no reason! But you are, and I have no idea why you are suddenly so angry! I didn't do anything wrong, Tuomas! We are getting married and you can't forbid us to kiss!" "Oh, if you were so in love, why is he just sitting there instead of defending you!?" Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Tuomas turned his eyes away from Tarja and looked right at Marco who was standing next to him. "Stop it, Tuomas. You are only making it worse." "HOW DARE YOU!?", Tarja now screamed and Tuomas saw a tear running over her face. "What's wrong with you Tuomas!? Just because you haven't found the one yet, you don't have to attack everyone who has!! Why can't you just leave us alone?" Desperately Tuomas searched for something to say. He hadn't want this; never, and he felt miserable. He knew he had to apologize, had to explain his awful behavior to her. But when he opened his mouth, it disobeyed him. "How can you be so blind, Tarja? Can't you see how he's changing you? Can't you -" "CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP!?" Crying harder, Tarja made a step backwards, away from Tuomas. Marcelo instantly got up from his chair and wrapped his arms around her. "Now see what you've done!", he hissed and gave Tuomas a look full of hate and contempt. 

Like through a curtain of fog, Tuomas saw how Tarja buried her face on Marcelo's shoulder while she was shaken by sobs. He whispered soothing words and ran a hand up and down her back, not wasting another look on Tuomas. Marco, Emppu and Jukka were talking silently, but Tuomas couldn't understand their words - and he didn't want to. Still not completely realizing what he had done, he stared at Tarja who cried in Marcelo's arms. Because of him. He had caused this, he had made her cry with his words and as much as he wanted to change it, he couldn't.


	13. Chapter 13

The following days where nothing but a huge nightmare. Nothing was left from the hope Tuomas had felt after their first concert, and his relationship with Tarja was worse than ever. She more or less ignored him whenever they spent time together - which didn't happen all to often, because Tuomas now spent even more time alone than before - but he didn't miss the pain in her look every time their eyes met.   
He had tried to talk to her a few times but she had refused constantly. Day after day Tuomas' mood had become worse and the big smile that never seemed to vanish from Marcelo's face didn't make it better at all.  
While the tour progressed the wedding came closer and Tarja and Marcelo didn't seem able to talk about anything else but their big day. Whenever they were waiting backstage or having dinner or breakfast together, there were no other topics than wedding cakes, flower arrangements, guest lists and dresses.   
And then it was the last evening of the tour. Tuomas could hardly believe that the whole thing was already over; the last two weeks had gone by so quickly as if someone had manipulated the clocks.   
Now they all were sitting backstage after their last concert, having mixed feelings about the end of the tour.   
"Somehow I'm sad it's already over", Jukka mumbled while he was playing with one of his drum sticks, as usual. "Yeah, but we'll do a second tour soon", Marco reminded, "So it isn't fully over yet." "Still", Jukka gave back, "I don't wanna wait so long." "You're like a little child, waiting for Christmas", Tuomas stated and laughed. Jukka crossed his arms in from of his chest and pretended to be angry. "But then Tarja's a child as well; counting down the days till her wedding." He chuckled but Tuomas didn't find it very funny. Morosely, he stared at the ground, hoping that nobody would notice the sudden change of his mood. It was hard to hide though...  
"Oh come on Tuomas. You're not really still mad at her, are you?", Marco asked and looked at him suspiciously. Tuomas didn't answer. No, he wasn't mad at her. How could he ever be mad at Tarja? "Stop talking about me as if I wasn't even here!" Tuomas turned his head to the right where Tarja was sitting, her back leaned against a wall. She glared at Marco angrily but Tuomas could notice something else in her gaze as well - guilt? Pain?   
"Okay stop this! All of you!", Emppu suddenly screamed, "Why are we all fighting now?" "Ask Tuomas, he started this!", Tarja gave back. Annoyed, Marco rolled his eyes. "It's enough. I am still not entirely sure what's going on between you two, but you have to talk about it!" He looked at Tuomas and Tarja directly who both tried to look everywhere else but at each other. "There's nothing to talk about", Tuomas finally mumbled, but the sad look in his eyes told another story. "Yes there is.", Marco said determinedly while he rose from the chair he had been sitting on. "We'll give you some privacy... and you will talk about it. I can't stand this any longer, seriously!" With fast steps he left the room and pulled Emppu and Jukka with him. Seconds later the door closed behind them and Tarja and Tuomas were alone, not knowing what to say.   
Actually there were a lot of things Tuomas wanted to say to her, but he didn't even know where to start and probably she wouldn't want to hear his apologies anyway. But finally, as the awkward silence lasted too long, he dared a short glimpse at Tarja and cleared his throat. She still sat on the ground a few feet away from him and stared at the opposite wall. "Tarja, I -" "Save your words. I don't wanna hear them." She still didn't move but Tuomas could see something wet glittering in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, he made a second try. "I know you're angry and you have every right to be. But please... give me at least a chance to apologize." This time Tarja didn't say anything and Tuomas took it as a good sign. Slowly he walked over to her and sat next to her on the floor. Fighting the urge to pull her in his arms, he waited a moment to see whether she'd push him away and when she didn't he spoke up again. "See, I am sorry. I know I never should have said all these things to you; it was wrong... But I really wanna make it up to you. You're one of my best friends." _And you are so much more than that..._ , he added in his thoughts. Eventually, Tarja raised her head to look at Tuomas. "Then why did you do all of that? If we were such good friends, why would you say these things to me?" For a moment Tuomas didn't know what to say. He just looked at her, unable to break the eye contact. Then she blinked which caused a tear to run down her face. Without thinking, Tuomas reached out and wiped it away while he remained his hand on her cheek a bit longer than it would have been necessary. "I... was having a really bad day... I know that is absolutely no excuse for the way I treated you, but I don't have a better one. I didn't want to hurt you. I'd never want to hurt you and I can't tell you how sorry I am." "I know that you weren't feeling so well that morning. But I still don't understand your behavior. You never said something like that to me and I never expected you to..." "I am so sorry", Tuomas mumbled, feeling ashamed of himself, "I really didn't mean it, Tarja, and I'd take it all back if I could." She looked at him for a while, then she nodded slowly. "It's okay... maybe I shouldn't have been so hard on you." Tuomas shook his head. "It's fine, really. I deserved this." For a second he saw the hint of a smile crossing Tarja's face and he let out a relieved sigh. "So we're good...?" Tarja nodded again, before she leaned her head against Tuomas shoulder. Feeling a bit unsure, he put an arm around her as Tarja opened her mouth again. "Promise me something Tuomas... I know you're going through a rough time... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I really think you should talk to somebody. You do not have to go through this alone, whatever it is that you're struggling with. We are all your friends and we wanna help you." She raised her head and gave him a concerned but serious look. Tuomas bit his lip. He didn't want Tarja to worry about him - neither her nor anyone else. "I can deal with it", he claimed, knowing that it was a lie. Tarja frowned. "It doesn't really seem like that. That morning you almost started crying... and I've rarely noticed you spending as much time alone as recently. Please Tuomas... Tell someone", she pleaded. "I did. I told Marco", Tuomas gave back. Then he shook his head, "Or rather, he asked me millions of questions until I didn't need to tell him anymore." In the moment Tuomas mentioned Marco's name, he thought he saw a quick shadow cross Tarja's eyes, but then she smiled brightly and he forgot about it. "That's wonderful", she whispered, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll feel better soon."   
Tuomas hardly believed that, but for a moment it was nice to give in to that illusion. "Maybe", he mumbled and smiled.


	14. Chapter 14

Tuomas couldn't have told how long he and Tarja had been sitting on the ground in the concert venue. After a while she had - a bit hesitantly at first - rested her head on his lap and after getting over the first astonishment he was now running his hand through her long hair, asking himself how he even deserved this.   
"I missed you", Tarja suddenly whispered and turned on her back to look at Tuomas. "I missed you, too", he gave back, feeling his mouth becoming dry. Not breaking the eye contact, he brushed a strand of hair out of Tarja's face and smiled.   
Time seemed to stop as she smiled back; an honest and heartwarming smile that made her eyes shine brightly and caused her to look even more beautiful than she already did. Then she closed her eyes and snuggled closer to Tuomas.   
While slowly stroking over her back he let his eyes wander over the pretty woman on his lap. She looked so peaceful, almost as if she was asleep. After a few seconds Tuomas' gaze fell on her lips and he just couldn't take his eyes away from them anymore. He'd only need to lean down a bit and he would be able to kiss her. That thought occupied his mind and made it impossible for him to think about anything else but the sleeping beauty on his lap. Imagining his own lips meeting Tarja's in a gentle and loving kiss, he bowed his head without even noticing. Tarja's eyes were still closed and his face was only a few inches away from hers when he was pulled back into reality by a loud noise. Startled, he sat up again as the door opened and Marco stepped in. "Guys, you have to -" He paused as his gaze fell on his two friends on the floor. He raised an eyebrow and looked at Tuomas suspiciously and questioning while he slowly closed the door behind him. Tuomas felt as if he had been caught doing something forbidden and swallowed. "What's up?", he then asked without answering any of the unspoken questions that were written on Marco's face. "Umm, you... They want to close the venue so you have to get out...", he mumbled. Tarja sighed and finally opened her eyes again while turning around on Tuomas' lap to be able to look at Marco. "Five more minutes", she pleaded and caused Marco to frown. Tuomas smiled happily as he looked down at Tarja and when their eyes met he instantly forgot about Marco's presence again. "Hey!", the blonde said energetically, as the silence lasted too long and nobody made an afford to move. "Am I talking Chinese? I told them I'd get you, so will please come now? Everyone's waiting for you." "Gosh, don't be so inpatient", Tuomas gave back and looked at Marco in a mixture of annoyance and amusement, "Why aren't you just happy that Tarja and I stopped fighting?" Marco shook his head, "I am. Really. But can't we celebrate that later? If you don't get out of here, they'll lock you up, is that what you want?" "Could be fun", Tarja giggled and beamed at Tuomas, "I'm sure we'll find some food somewhere and -" "That was not a serious question!", Marco interrupted and leaned his back against the door while he massaged his forehead with one hand. "God, you're exhausting", he grumbled but Tuomas could see a smile cross his face. Letting out a joyful laughter, Tarja reached for Tuomas' hand and closed her eyes again. "Comfortable?", he asked smiling and Tarja nodded while Tuomas couldn't prevent a happy sigh from escaping his lungs. This moment seemed to last forever, time seemed to run more slowly than usual and he felt like everything that had happened earlier - all his pain, their fight and even Tarja's engagement - had been nothing but a dream. This was where he belonged, this was how it was supposed to be and for some time he totally forgot about Marcelo and the fact that Tarja would be married in a month. "Tuomas?" Realizing that the two of them were not alone, Tuomas looked up. "What?" Marco moaned annoyed. "Yes Tuomas, I'm still here... You have to get out, remember?" "Sorry, but I can't move", Tuomas answered which caused Tarja to giggle and Marco to sigh in resignation. "Tarja, get up", the blonde then demanded but the young woman didn't care about him at all and pretended not to hear him. "I'm sure Marcelo is waiting for you." _Marcelo_. Suddenly Tuomas was pulled back into reality; Tarja was engaged and he was nothing but her friend. How could he have forgotten about that so easily? But Tarja only shrugged. "He can wait a little longer I guess", she mumbled while she squeezed Tuomas' hand, so slightly that he almost didn't notice it. "I don't think so, actually", Marco gave back and suddenly there was a big grin on his face, "Or do you want me to tell him that you rather wanna stay here, cuddling with Tuomas...?" Within a second, Tarja let go of Tuomas' hand and rose form his lap. "No!" He saw a worried expression in her eyes while she got up on her feet and turned to Marco, who looked quite satisfied. "Please don't tell him", she pleaded, "He'd freak out." A bit surprised by the effect of his words, Marco nodded slowly. "Thanks. See you later, guys", Tarja said, grabbed her jacket and left the room hastily, not without giving Tuomas a last bright smile.

"Okay, what the hell was this?", Marco asked as soon as the door had closed behind Tarja. "What do you mean?", Tuomas asked back, his eyes fixed on the door as if he expected Tarja to come back. But she didn't. "Come on... You two have been fighting for more than two weeks; and now you're making out with her as soon as her future _husband_ isn't around!" He put special emphasis on the word _husband_ , and looked at Tuomas accusingly. "We were just sitting here!", Tuomas defended himself, "I did not -" "Tuomas, you almost kissed her! ...Yes, I saw that", he added at Tuomas' surprised look. Not knowing what to say, Tuomas closed his eyes for a moment. "But I didn't", he then stated, but Marco wasn't pleased at all. "You would have, if I hadn't come in in that moment. I know this is a difficult situation but you have to accept that she is taken. It will only hurt you more if you try to get closer to her." "Hey, it was _her_ , who decided to snuggle up to _me_ ; not the other way around!", Tuomas said angrily. "Still. If I hadn't been, you would have kissed her... and I doubt that she would have liked that." "Why do you think you know that?", Tuomas hissed, "The last time I k-" He paused as he realized what he was saying, but it was already too late. Marco stared at him in shock and needed a while to be able to say something. "The last time you _what_ , Tuomas!?" The keyboardist didn't answer and only looked at the ground while biting his lip. "What have you done??" Taking a deep breath, Tuomas finally looked up. "I... might have kissed her after our concert in Helsinki", he admitted.   
His words were followed by a long silence. Marco opened his mouth and closed it again, obviously unsure how to respond. "And...", he finally asked, "How did she react...?" "She kissed me back", Tuomas mumbled and felt how the memories of that evening came up in him again. "But... she was already engaged then!", Marco exclaimed. "I know. But she said it didn't mean anything and that was it." He decided not to tell Marco about Marcelo's appearance; his friend already knew too much anyway. "But Tuomas, you... Damn, you have to learn to control your feelings! You can't let this happen again; if Marcelo ever finds out about this you're screwed!" _Too late..._ , Tuomas thought, but didn't say anything. "I can handle this." Marco frowned, "It didn't look like that when I came in earlier..." "Speaking of", Tuomas said, desperate to guide the subject as far away from Tarja and his feelings, "Didn't you say we have to get out? Maybe we should hurry up." "Don't change the subject. We're talking about you and Tarja now!" Angrily, Tuomas got up from the floor and started searching for his jacket that he had put somewhere in a corner before the concert. "Maybe you wanna talk about that, but I don't. These are my feelings and I don't need anyone to tell me what to do."   
He didn't want to talk about Tarja anymore; it was nothing but painful and uncomfortable and it wouldn't help at all. "Tuomas, can't you at least listen to me? You'll destroy your friendship if you keep acting like this. Or do you want her to find out??" Tuomas, who had just spotted his jacket on the ground and had picked it up, turned around. "Of course not. She must never _ever_ know about this." He felt his eyes become wet as he started realizing that Marco was right. He couldn't go on like this; if he wanted to hide his feelings he had to get some distance between Tarja and him, as hard as it would be. "Tuomas?", Marco asked carefully but Tuomas just shook his head and approached the door with fast steps. "Leave me alone", he whispered, before he banged the door shut behind him and broke into tears.


	15. Chapter 15 (Part 1)

The following month was even harder than Tuomas had expected. After his conversation with Marco he had actually tried to distance himself from Tarja a little bit even though it hurt like hell. Every time they met he could feel her look on himself while he peered into another direction. He tried not to be alone with her, knowing that it would lead to him doing something he'd regret and whenever she made an attempt to talk to him he found an excuse and left, only to break into tears because of his bad conscious as soon as he was alone.  
He was aware that his behavior wasn't actually good for their friendship - but somehow he felt like Marco had been right; by exposing his feelings too much he put their relationship at risk and he couldn't let that happen.  
So he kept avoiding Tarja even though it felt more than wrong and caused him to hate himself for the way he treated her.  
Days became weeks and while Tuomas felt more and more uncomfortable with the situation he started realizing that it couldn't go on like that forever. If he wanted to save their friendship, this wasn't exactly the best way to deal with his feelings; so he was almost glad when Tarja held him back after a rehearsal a few days before her birthday.   
"Tuomas wait", she mumbled and grabbed his arm as he was just about to leave, "I need to talk to you." Trying not to look into her shining eyes, Tuomas desperately searched for a credible pretext. "I... I don't really have time right now... I have... a lot of work to do and -", he stumbled but Tarja interrupted him. "What is wrong, Tuomas? You keep avoiding me ever since the end of the tour and I don't know why... I thought we were fine again..." Tuomas swallowed. It destroyed him to see her so hurt because of something he had done and it was even worse that this wasn't the first time. Already on the tour he had made her cry with nothing but his words.   
"Are you angry at me?", she now asked carefully. Tuomas shook his head and swallowed again, still not looking at Tarja. "I'm not angry... I'm just really busy at the moment; there's a lot of... stuff going on, so..." He paused as he glanced at Tarja shortly and saw the tears in her eyes. "You don't have to lie to me Tuomas", she whispered, "I'm not stupid. I notice that you are avoiding me on purpose; I'd just like to know why. If you have a problem with me we can talk about it but at the moment I feel like we're drifting apart... and I hate that..." She looked at him sadly and it made Tuomas' heart ache. "I'm sorry, Tarja...", he mumbled and finally looked at her directly. "I didn't realize how much I hurt you with this... You are my best friend but..." For a moment Tuomas was unsure what to say. He couldn't tell her the real reason for his behavior. All he had wanted was to protect her, to save their friendship but now he had to find that his actions had led right to the opposite. "Look, you are getting married next week and I thought... well, I thought it was better for everyone if we two didn't hang out so much..." It wasn't the whole truth but it wasn't a lie either.   
"Are you kidding me?", Tarja now asked and her voice was full of disbelief, "These two things have nothing to do with each other." Nervously, Tuomas ran a hand through his hair. "I just... I know Marcelo doesn't really like me and... I didn't want to interfere in your relationship or..." He bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying too much while Tarja only shook her head. "I don't get the problem, Tuomas. You pushed me away because of Marcelo? Sorry, but that's the most stupid thing I've ever heard." She laughed so Tuomas knew she hadn't meant to offend him, but he still felt uncomfortable. "I can get married _and_ have a best friend, you know", Tarja explained and smiled, still chuckling. She was so cute in that moment and Tuomas felt as if his brain had been replaced by cotton candy. But he forced himself to think strait. "You don't get it", he tried weakly, "I just wanted -" "No, you don't get it", Tarja interrupted once again, "Yes, I'm getting married very soon. But that won't change anything about our friendship. You will always be my best friend and my wedding is not going to change anything about that!" Tuomas still wasn't convinced. "Maybe you're saying that now, Tarja... but you're already spending so much time with him and that's okay! But as soon as you're married he'll be even more important to you than now and I'll be forgotten faster than you'd think..." He looked down on his feet, realizing that this conversation had gone into a completely different direction than he had intended. He hadn't wanted to talk about Marcelo at all, knowing that this topic could lead to an argument easily. But he had screwed up everything again and already expected Tarja to freak out. So he was quite surprised when she suddenly wrapped her arms around him and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Don't say this, Tuomas", she whispered, "I could never forget you! You're one of the most wonderful people I know and nobody could replace you!" Tuomas felt his heart beating faster at her words and smiled sadly while he pulled her closer. "I hope so...", he mumbled, "I don't want to lose you..." Tarja shook her head. "You won't. I promise."  
~  
It was a mild evening. Tuomas was standing on Tarja's balcony and listened to the silence around him. Only a few minutes ago he had left her apartment, eager to escape the loud and frisky atmosphere inside. Her birthday party had started with only a few people and Tuomas had enjoyed it; but the more guests had arrived the worse he had felt and so he had finally decided to get some fresh air outside. The noise was hardly audible through the closed door and he was glad to be alone for some time. The last few days had been exhausting even though his relationship with Tarja had gone back to normal after their conversation. But the awareness of her wedding that would be in a week from now tortured him more than anything; he had struggles to sleep, hadn't eaten properly for several days and felt more depressed than ever. For a moment he had even considered not to come to Tarja's birthday celebration, knowing that all the talking about her wedding combined with Marcelo's presence probably wouldn't make him feel better at all. But on the other hand he hadn't wanted to miss this chance to see her and also he hadn't wanted to provoke another misunderstanding with his absence.  
Suddenly the balcony door was opened. Tuomas turned around and in the next moment he had already forgotten about anything else around him. Smiling, Tarja stepped out on the balcony, a wine glass in one hand, before she closed the door behind her. For a few seconds Tuomas just stared at her; in her knee-long, red dress and with her long, black hair that was waving in the slight wind she looked simply gorgeous. "Hey", she said and stepped next to Tuomas who was leaning against the balcony railing. "Are you all right?" Tuomas still felt unable to say anything so he only nodded, his gaze fixed on her beautiful face. "I just wanted to look after you...", Tarja mumbled while she turned her glass in her hands and looked at some trees that were enlightened by the setting sun, "You've been out here for some time already..." Tuomas nodded again before he finally managed a few words. "I'm fine, really. I've just been through some tiring days lately so I needed a little timeout." Tarja smiled and turned her head around to look at Tuomas. Her eyes were shining in the light of the last sunrays and Tuomas could see that she was still concerned even though she didn't ask any further questions. Instead she leaned her head against his shoulder and stared into the distance again. For a while none of them said a word. They just stood on the balcony and watched the sun setting.


	16. Chapter 15 (Part 2)

"One week", Tarja suddenly whispered and Tuomas felt like she had shot a poisoned arrow right through his heart. _One week_. "Are you nervous?", he asked, hoping that his voice didn't shake too much. Tarja nodded. "Of course I am. This is a really huge step... I mean, I love him, but still..." "Don't worry", Tuomas mumbled, "You two are perfect for each other. You'll be happy with him, I'm sure about that. I know him and I know you, Tarja, and I'm absolutely convinced that you belong together." Feeling tears rising in his eyes, Tuomas took a deep breath and tried to realize what he just had said. _I'm absolutely convinced that you belong together_. Why had he said that!? He didn't want Tarja to get married! And especially not to Marcelo! But what else could he have said? He knew he couldn't tell her the truth and deep inside he also knew that he had to support her if this was what she wanted. "Thank you", she answered and smiled. Then she sighed. "I guess you're right. It's just... I don't know... never mind." In one quick motion she emptied her glass and put it down on the small table next to her. "Are you two having any problems?", Tuomas asked carefully but Tarja shook her head. "No, everything's great... I... I'm probably just exaggerating because of the wedding... Can we talk about something else?" "Of course", Tuomas mumbled but wished nothing more than to be able to read Tarja's mind. What was going on with her? He never had had a doubt that she was absolutely sure about her wedding. Why was she suddenly so insecure about it?  
Tuomas' thoughts got interrupted when Tarja raised her voice. "Maybe we should go back inside..." She was already at the door when Tuomas suddenly remembered another reason why he had come here. "Wait", he demanded and Tarja turned around. "I still have to give you your present." A bit surprised Tarja came closer again. "You have a present for me? Tuomas, you don't have to -" "Yes I do", he interrupted while he pulled a small package out of his pocket and gave it to her. He had been thinking about a good present for several days and still wasn't sure if his choice had been the right one; so he was quite nervous as Tarja started unwrapping it.  
When she opened the box after removing the paper, she remained silent for a moment. Excited, Tuomas watched her while she carefully touched the necklace that was lying in the box. "Wow", she finally whispered, still staring at the jewelry. "Tuomas, that's... you really shouldn't have... thank you!" She looked up and smiled at him, a happy but also meaningful expression in her eyes. "Do you like it?", Tuomas asked. "I love it!", she replied and took the necklace out of the box. Letting the five small silver hearts run through her fingers she smiled again before she gave the necklace to Tuomas, turned around and held her hair aside. "Could you...?" Carefully he put the jewelry around her neck and closed the clasp. "You look beautiful", he whispered as she turned back to him.  
Later, Tuomas couldn't have said who had kissed whom. All he knew was that he suddenly felt Tarja's lips meeting his. Gently, he pulled her in his arms while he kissed her, ignoring the fact that she was engaged, ignoring the fact that her future husband was theoretically able to see him through the glass door, ignoring the fact that he just had told her that she and Marcelo belonged together. All this was forgotten. There was only Tarja who kissed him with so much passion and tenderness and nothing else mattered.  
When they finally let go of each other Tuomas could still feel his heart beating madly. For a moment he looked at her without saying anything and she didn't break the eye contact. He tried to interpret her gaze but everything seemed to turn around in his head and he couldn't think clearly at all. They just had kissed! _Again!_ Only one week before her wedding! If Marcelo found out about this he'd be practically dead.  
But Tarja had kissed him too and he even wondered if it had been her who had started this; but he wasn't sure about it.  
A bit insecure he looked into her eyes. She still looked at him, a slight smile on her lips and suddenly Tuomas' mind was completely clear. He had to tell her! This was his moment, his last chance to let her know about his feelings. _Now or never_. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "Tarja?" "Yes?", she whispered. "I... I need to tell you something..." His heartbeat was so fast that he thought he could faint any second. "Go ahead", she encouraged him, still smiling. Gathering all his courage he took another breath, desperate to calm down and focused on Tarja's eyes.  
"I lo-"  
"Tarja?" Turning his head to the left, Tuomas felt all his faith leaving his body. Marcelo was standing in the doorway and stared at Tarja who seemed just as shocked as Tuomas felt. Without paying any attention to the keyboardist, Marcelo held out his hand to Tarja. "Don't you wanna come back inside?" "Just a second", Tarja mumbled and turned back to Tuomas, completely ignoring Marcelo's hand. "You wanted to say something?" Tuomas shrugged and looked around nervously; at Marcelo who was still standing in the door frame and watched them impatiently; at Tarja's eyes that were full of expectation; at the necklace he had given to her and the engagement ring on her finger; at the empty wine glass on the table; and back at Marcelo. And then he shook his head. "Never mind..." Tarja raised an eyebrow. "Come on, Tuomas. You sounded as if this was something serious." Tuomas bit his lips. It was. But he couldn't tell her; it was wrong. She was his best friend and she was engaged. Her fiancé was standing right next to them. She had kissed him but she also had had some alcohol which had probably affected her actions. He just couldn't tell her. "It... was stupid. Just forget about it", he mumbled. "Are you sure?", Tarja asked again and Tuomas nodded slowly. It was better this way. "Tell me if you wanna talk", she said and gave him a concerned look before she hugged him shortly. "And thanks again... for your present." "You're welcome", he gave back and then watched her going inside with Marcelo, hardly able to hold back his tears.  
For a while he remained standing on the balcony. He never had felt this way before. Somehow he finally realized that Tarja would get married - and that there was nothing he could do about it. Whatever he tried, no matter how far he went, in the end there was always Marcelo. Marcelo, who was Tarja's shadow where ever she went and who seemed to do everything to make Tuomas suffer.  
When some other guests stepped out on the balcony, Tuomas went back inside and decided to go home. It didn't make sense to stay here; he needed to be alone. He was just approaching Tarja's front door, when he saw her standing only a few feet away from him together with some of her friends. Feeling panic rising inside him, Tuomas turned around and went back into the direction he had come from; he couldn't face Tarja again now, not after what had happened on the balcony.  
Eager to escape all the people around him, he hastened through her apparent until he reached the bathroom where he locked the door and let himself fall on the ground. After a while he felt the first tears run over his face. He didn't bother to wipe them away though; nobody would see him here, he didn't have to hide. Crying silently, he leaned his head against the wall behind him. It was over. It was all over; even his last strength to fight was gone and there was nothing but emptiness and hopelessness inside him. Only now he realized that he had never completely given up on her. Somewhere, deep inside, there had still been a small glimmer of hope despite everything that had happened. But after this evening it was gone. He had missed his chance, had lost her. And even though he was aware that she had been with Marcelo for more than two years already, he felt like she had been taken away from him just now.  
Still crying, Tuomas looked around in the bathroom until his gaze fell on a small shelf on the opposite wall. It contained a toothbrush, toothpaste, a piece of soap and a razor; and next to the razor: A package of razor blades. Slowly he got up from the floor. He had never done this before and he had never expected that he would be this desperate one day. But suddenly he felt like this was the only solution to deal with his problems. He crossed the room and reached for the package with trembling hands. A small voice in his head told him to stop but he didn't listen to it; his pain had taken over and he had lost control over his mind and his actions. Like in trance he took one of the blades and rolled up his left sleeve, unable to think about anything else but his desperation.  
Then he placed the blade in the middle of his lower arm, bit his lip and closed his eyes.


	17. Chapter 16

Tuomas bit his lip as he felt the cold blade cutting through the skin of his arm. It was painful, yet nothing compared to the pain in his heart. Watching a small trail of blood running down his arm, he felt tears rising in his eyes - not because of the pain, but because he realized what he just had done. He never had thought that he would do this, that he would ever be depressed enough to hurt himself. He had always considered self-harm something unnecessary, something he would never be desperate enough to do. But here he was; sitting on the ground in Tarja's bathroom, a blade in his hand and a wound on his arm. For him it was a symbol of weakness. And in case he would keep a scar from this, it would always remind him of this weak moment and his pain.  
That thought made Tuomas cry even more and almost defiantly he placed the blade on his arm a second time, applying a bit more pressure than before.   
Suddenly he was ripped out of his thoughts as someone knocked at the door. "Tuomas? Are you all right?" Wincing in surprise, Tuomas lost control over his actions for a second and cut deeper than he had intended to which caused him to let out a painful scream, followed by several swearwords as the blood started dripping on the floor. "TUOMAS!?" Realizing that it was Tarja who was standing on the other side of the door, Tuomas became slightly nervous. "I'm fine", he assured while he reached for some toilet paper to clean the floor and to stop the bleeding. "No, you are not!", Tarja screamed, not able to hide the panic in her voice, "Open the door!" A bit overstrained by the situation, Tuomas put the blood stained blade on the sink and tried to clean the bathroom as good as possible while calming down Tarja. "Don't worry, I'm alright", he lied again, knowing that he could not let her see what he had done since she would freak out completely. But Tarja didn't give up. "Stop lying to me Tuomas! I want to help you so stop telling me you're okay when you're not!" Sighing, Tuomas got up from the floor, still pressing some toilet paper against the cuts on his arm. "Okay, if you wanna help me you could tell me where you keep your plasters... I...", he hesitated for a moment before he went on, "I broke a glass and cut myself on a shard, that's all." For a moment Tarja remained silent and Tuomas already thought she had bought it. But he got disappointed. "I don't believe you. Now open the door, I won't say it again!"   
Her voice was calmer than before but Tuomas could still hear the concern in it. Realizing, that she wouldn't give up he sighed again before he reached out and turned the key in the lock.   
As soon as the door was unlocked Tarja opened it and stormed into the room. For a moment she was just standing there, looking at Tuomas angrily and worried at the same time; then her gaze fell on the blade that was still lying on the sink. Tarja's hand flew to her mouth as she tried to suppress her scream and pure panic could be seen in her eyes as she looked at Tuomas again. "No...", she whispered, throwing a short look at Tuomas' arm. "No..." Helplessly Tuomas watched her. She seemed completely shocked, tears had risen in her eyes and her hands were trembling. "Tarja, it's okay, I just -" "Shut up!", Tarja suddenly screamed and Tuomas closed his mouth in surprise. "You are such an asshole, Tuomas Holopainen!", she shouted while tears streamed down her face. "How could you do this to yourself!? How could you do that to _me_!? I've offered you to talk so many times! I always would have been there for you! Not only half an hour ago you had the chance to talk to me but instead you acted as if everything was fine and then I have to find you here and... and..." Hastily Tarja wiped over her face to get rid of the tears but it didn't really help. Tuomas on the other hand tried to use this short pause to say something himself. "Please stop screaming, Tarja. Look, I'm sorry you had to see this, but you really don't have to worry about me. I am okay; I'll get through this..." He had thought this would calm her down at least a bit but he had been wrong. "You are okay!? I don't have to worry!? Hell, what is wrong with you Tuomas!?" New tears ran down her cheeks but she didn't seem to care about it anymore. "You are obviously having enormous problems!! But whatever it is, hurting yourself is not going to change anything, this is no solution! You have to _talk_ about it!" Tuomas shook his head. "I can handle this." "Stop lying!!", Tarja screamed, "You definitely can't handle this! You need help! So please tell me...", she begged. Biting his lip, Tuomas looked at her. He hated to see her so broken and desperate; all he had always wanted was protecting her, keeping her away from his problems and seeing her happy. It broke his heart to see how much she was suffering because of him now. But telling her the truth would not make it any better; she would get married and he was her best friend and nothing would change anything about that. "I don't wanna talk about it", he said and broke the eye contact as he saw Tarja's eyes becoming even more wet. "Do you know how helpless I feel right now...?", she suddenly whispered. "It's like in one of these awful dreams... when something terrible happens and you just can't move and are forced to watch without being able to do anything..." She swallowed and Tuomas had a hard job holding his own tears back. "Tarja listen, I'm sorry... I don't want you to worry about me, you should be with your guests, celebrating... This looks worse than it is; I have it under control, really." But Tarja shook her head. "You don't have anything under control. And I don't wanna imagine what you might have done if I hadn't interrupted you..." Suddenly Tarja broke into tears again before she threw herself into Tuomas' arms. "I can't lose you!", she whispered. Confused, Tuomas put the toilet paper that he had still been pressing against his wounds aside and laid his arms around Tarja. "You're not gonna lose me, what are you even talking about?" Tarja shrugged and wrapped her arms even tighter around Tuomas' neck. "If you're desperate enough to hurt yourself like that... who knows what's next... I don't wanna find you hanging from the ceiling one day..." Shocked by her words Tuomas tightened his embrace around her. "Don't say something like that", he whispered, "Tarja, you know me. I would never -" "At the moment I feel as if I don't know you at all", she interrupted, "If you did _this_... who knows what else you're capable of..." Tuomas swallowed. He had never even thought about this. Not seriously. "Tarja, trust me. I'd never do that. You're right, I'm going through a hard time at the moment, but I would never go that far." _I would never leave you..._ , he added in his thoughts and stroked over her back carefully. For a while nobody said a word. Both were lost in their own thoughts until Tarja finally freed herself from Tuomas. "You are not alone, Tuomas. I'm here. And I want to help you..." Carefully she took his hands into hers. "I'm gonna listen, Tuomas, all you have to do is talking to me. It will help." She was so cute; how she held his hands, how she looked at him... but he couldn't tell her. Slowly, Tuomas shook his head. "No Tarja... it wouldn't change anything. This is something I have to endure alone and I don't want anybody to get dragged into it... especially not you." "Tuomas, you're my best friend!", Tarja replied desperately, "And I am worried about you!" "Don't be...", Tuomas tried weakly but Tarja cut him off. "Apparently you have absolutely no idea how much you mean to me... I can't just watch you suffering like this; I wanna be there for you!" "And I appreciate that", Tuomas answered, feeling incredibly touched by her words, "But there is nothing you can do. I'll manage this." Tarja sighed in resignation before she let go of Tuomas hands. "Just one more thing... when we were outside on the balcony earlier... were you about to tell me about this? Would you have told me if Marcelo hadn't interrupted you?" Tuomas nodded. "I would have... but I'm glad I didn't. It was a stupid idea, I'm glad Marcelo broke in." Taking a deep breath, Tarja reached for the blades in the shelf and the one that was still lying on the sink. "I gonna take these with me, just so you can't cause any more damage to yourself while you're here", she mumbled. Apparently, she had realized that she wouldn't get any answers. "I'm can't force you to talk to me, Tuomas. You're a grown up man, this is your decision. But know that I'll always be there for you if you want to talk. You can call me in the middle of the night, I'll listen." "Thank you", Tuomas mumbled and closed his eyes as Tarja hugged him once more. "Please get better soon", he heard her whisper close to his ear before he felt her soft lips touch his cheek for a short moment. Then Tarja let go of him and turned to leave.   
"I'm sorry for ruining your birthday...", Tuomas mumbled as her hand was already lying on the door handle. Turning around, Tarja looked at him sadly and shook her head. "I don't really care about that right now."


	18. Chapter 17

In the last week before Tarja's wedding time seemed to run at least twice as fast as usually. Tuomas received calls from her every day and each time he assured her that he was okay, that he hadn't cut again and that he didn't intend to kill himself. It was hard to talk about his condition over and over again but it was even harder to lie to Tarja every time she called. On Monday - five days before the wedding - he had cut for the second time and on Tuesday he had done it again. His arm looked horrible but he just couldn't stop. It was like an addiction; the physical pain helped him to forget about all his sorrow for a while and it was his only way to escape reality.   
When his phone rang again on Wednesday, Tuomas was already slightly annoyed; nevertheless, he felt a wave of disappointment when he saw that it wasn't Tarja who was calling him but Marco. He had gotten used to Tarja's regular calls and it was nice to hear her voice every day.   
"Hey Tuomas", Marco greeted as the keyboardist picked up his phone, "How are you doing?" Tuomas sighed. He didn’t really want to talk about his feelings once again, especially not with Marco. "Brilliant", he answered sarcastically and started walking up and down in his apartment, "The love of my life is getting married in three days, I couldn't feel better!" Marco remained quiet for a moment and Tuomas already felt sorry for his harsh answer - after all Marco seemed concerned about him. "Well, actually that's why I called you...", Marco finally said, "I think you should talk to her." Surprised, Tuomas stopped walking around. He had expected a lot, but not this. "Are you serious? Only a few weeks ago it was you who told me to stay away from her and to hide my feelings and all that stuff! And now you want me to talk to her!?" "I guess I was wrong", Marco admitted and seemed to think about his next words for a moment, "Look, Tuomas, she is getting married and if you want to do anything about that you should do it soon - before it's too late." "I don't think I could -", Tuomas started but Marco cut him off. "Don't interrupt me. She has no idea how much you love her... Yet you keep complaining about how awful your situation is. That doesn't make sense at all! Go talk to her, Tuomas. Tell her how you feel and don't give up without even trying!" A bit overwhelmed by Marco's speech, Tuomas thought about his friend's words for a moment. "Wow", he then mumbled, still not sure how to reply, "Where is this positive attitude suddenly coming from?" "I don't know... I just hate to see you suffering." For a while Tuomas didn't answer, still thinking about what Marco had said. Should he really talk to Tarja? She would marry Marcelo and he couldn't really change anything about that... or could he? _Don't be stupid!_ , he scolded himself, _She loves Marcelo and she's not gonna stop loving him from one second to the other just because her best friend suddenly declares his love to her_. "Tuomas?", Marco asked as the silence lasted too long. Coming to the conclusion that talking to Tarja probably wouldn't make him feel better at all, Tuomas slowly shook his head. "Marco, I appreciate your concern and everything but I'm not doing that. She has Marcelo; there's no place for me in her life and I won't put her through this." Marco sighed. "I knew you'd say that. But think about it; you can't actually make it worse. You are already feeling horrible, so why don't you even want to try it?" Somehow Marco seemed to have a point but Tuomas could see a big flaw in his plan. "I'd ruin our friendship by telling her...", he stated but Marco contradicted him. "That's bullshit! We both know Tarja; she'd never let anything destroy your friendship. I don't know how far you've noticed this but you're really important to her!" _You're really important to her_. Feeling hope rising inside him, Tuomas started walking around again. _She'd never let anything destroy your friendship_. What if there was only the slightest chance that Tarja felt something for him? After all they had kissed! _Twice!_ And she had told him that she loved him; she had been drunk but still... she had said it. And Marco was right: his situation couldn't get any worse. Almost disgusted, Tuomas looked down on his injured arm. And then he made a decision. "I'll talk to her. She's gonna turn me down but at least I'll have tried it." "Great!", Marco exclaimed, "And if you're all down and depressed afterwards and need somebody to get drunk with - I'm here." Tuomas laughed, for the first time in forever. "Thank you. Not only for your offer; thanks for talking some sense into me and for encouraging me..." Laughing, Marco interrupted him. "Save your emotional words for Tarja. And tell me how she reacted!" "I will", Tuomas promised and smiled. Then he hung up and took a deep breath. He would talk to her. He would tell Tarja about his feelings no matter how low his chances were.   
On his way to her apartment Tuomas thought about what exactly he wanted to say to her. A few days ago, on the balcony, it had seemed so easy. They just had kissed; the situation would have been perfect. Slowly Tuomas started cursing himself for not having used that opportunity. Now he had to tell her completely out of the blue and he had no idea how to do that. Should he say it straight out? _Tarja, I love you_. Maybe that was a bit too directly. But beating around the bush for too long didn't seem to be a good idea either. Thinking about millions of possible ways to tell Tarja about his feelings, Tuomas walked through Helsinki. So many times he had been walking through these streets, feeling lost and depressed. But now he felt hope - not much, but at least he was finally doing something. Marco had been right; it was stupid to give up all his dreams without even trying to make them come true.   
When Tuomas finally reached Tarja's apartment, he still wasn't sure how to start their conversation. With beating heart he rang the doorbell and hoped that everything would turn out fine. _Just ask her if you can talk to her for a minute_ , he told himself, _and then just tell her the truth. It can't be that difficult!_   
But things happened to be more difficult than he had thought when the door was opened - not by Tarja but by Marcelo.


	19. Chapter 18

His heart beating madly, Tuomas stared at Marcelo who glared at him suspiciously. "What do you want?" "I..." Tuomas felt his courage fading away. This was senseless; Marcelo would always stand between him and Tarja. "I just wanted...", he mumbled and tried to look past Marcelo into the room. "Yes, I'm listening...?", Marcelo said and looked and Tuomas contemptuously. Tuomas bit his lip. "I... wanted to talk to Tarja...", he muttered, before he added "...alone." Marcelo frowned but Tuomas could see a smile cross his face. "I'm afraid Tarja isn't here at the moment. But why don't you come in and wait till she comes back?" Tuomas looked at Marcelo for a moment, not making a move to go into the apartment. If he went in there he'd have to talk to Marcelo - who knew for how long - and that was the last thing he wanted right know. But on the other hand he didn't really have another choice. Of course, he could try again later and hope that Tarja would be at home then; but Tuomas wasn't sure if he'd gather the courage to visit her a second time. So he finally agreed and stepped into the room.   
As soon as he entered her apartment and made his way to the living room, he felt like he had traveled back in time a few days. He looked at the balcony where he and Tarja had been standing for a felt eternity, where he had given the necklace to her, where they had kissed... and where Tuomas had almost declared his love to her. But then Marcelo had ruined everything and at the end of the day Tuomas had been crying, some fresh cuts on his left arm. Thus, it wasn't actually a memory Tuomas enjoyed.   
"Do you want to drink anything?" Snapped out of his thoughts, Tuomas turned around to Marcelo who was still standing in the door frame of the living room and smiled at his guest; this smile didn't seem very honest though. "No thanks", Tuomas gave back and shook his head before he started wandering around in the room. He had been here many times before but never without Tarja being here as well; this new situation made him feel uncomfortable. "Don't you wanna sit down?" Marcelo now asked, still in a very polite tone. Tuomas didn't answer. His gaze had just fallen on a framed photo that was standing on a small shelf next to the couch. He had seen this photo uncountable times; every time he had visited Tarja during the last three years. The picture showed him, Tarja, Emppu, Jukka and Sami, Marco's predecessor during one of the last tours before they had met Marcelo. Tuomas wasn't even sure why he remembered this so well. Maybe because he had been so much happier back then. It had just been the five of them; no Marcelo who had been with them all the time; nobody who had been taking Tarja away from him. "It's a nice photo", Marcelo stated, who had followed Tuomas' gaze. "But it's been standing there for such a long time... You know...", he paused for a moment, obviously enjoying the thought of what he was about to say, "I've been thinking about replacing it by a wedding photo of Tarja and me. I'm sure there'll be some good ones." Feeling anger rising inside him, Tuomas clenched his fists. "What a great idea", he hissed, not looking at Marcelo. For a few minutes none of them said a word. Tuomas was still staring at the photo but he didn't really see it. In front of his inner eye he could see the wedding photo Marcelo had talked about; the wedding photo that would be taken in three days and that would replace the band photo on Tarja's shelf.   
"Why are you doing this, Marcelo...?", Tuomas suddenly whispered, still not turning around to look at the other man. "Doing what?", Marcelo responded a little bit confused. Tuomas swallowed as he felt his eyes becoming wet. "You really enjoy hurting me, don't you?" Not answering right away, Marcelo came a few steps closer. "What's wrong, Tuomas? What are you talking about?", he asked carefully but it wasn't very convincing. "Oh please! Don't act like this, you know what I'm talking about!" A tear ran over Tuomas' cheek and his heart was pounding heavily in his chest. He felt awful. It was a humiliating situation and he didn't want to seem so weak in front of Marcelo but he couldn't change it. "Wait... are you crying?", Marcelo asked, unable to hide the mockery in his voice. "No, I'm not", Tuomas said defiantly and tried to wipe his tears away without Marcelo noticing. "But you are angry with me... for some reason..." Finally, Tuomas turned around to face Marcelo. "For some reason?? Can't you see how painful this is for me!? Can't you understand how much it hurts to see you and Tarja together? And you keep twisting the knife by constantly reminding me of the fact that you are getting married! I know that! I know it, so please stop! Stop kicking somebody who is already lying on the ground!!" For a few seconds it was completely silent. All Tuomas could hear was the sound of his own beating heart and the ticking of a clock somewhere in the room. "Wow", Marcelo eventually said, "calm down, Tuomas. This is something between you and Tarja, not between you and me. So stop screaming at me for something that is not my fault. And let me give you one advice, slitting open your arms won't get you anywhere." Within a second Tuomas' face paled. "She told you...", he whispered and stared at Marcelo in shock. "Of course she did! What did you expect!? I guess I'm the very first person she'd tell something like that!" Forcing a smile on his face, Tuomas tried not to break the eye contact. "Well, at least that means that she cares about me." For the fraction of a second there seemed to be a touch of fear crossing Marcelo's face but then he started laughing. "You really think so? Interesting, the last time I talked to her she seemed rather annoyed by your behavior. She seems to be of the opinion that you are looking for some attention and I think she even said that she didn't really care if you did it again or not. But if you think she is worried about you... just keep living with that illusion; I don't wanna be the one to destroy it!" With open mouth Tuomas stared at Marcelo, unable to understand what he just had heard. "You are lying", he whispered weakly, "I know Tarja, she would never let a friend down like that..." Marcelo smirked. "Then - if I was you - I would start wondering if I was her friend or not." Swallowing, Tuomas looked down on the floor. Tarja and he were friends, weren't they? She had said it. She had said that he meant a lot to her and that she was there for him. But what if she had lied? What if she actually didn't care about him at all? "Why would she act like being my friend without actually being my friend?", he asked and tried to look self-confident. "Maybe you just misinterpreted some of her actions...", Marcelo replied, "I'm not saying that she hates you... I'm just making clear that you are not as important to her as you think." "And you think you can judge that? Better than I?", Tuomas hissed angrily. "Well, in contrast to you I will marry her this weekend. So there is a small chance that she entrusts me some stuff that she is not telling everyone... not you, for example."   
Feeling like he had been hit in the face, Tuomas closed his eyes for a moment. Marcelo's words hurt more than he wanted to show. Had he really been that mistaken about his friendship with Tarja? He didn't want to believe it but he knew that he had to accept the truth. The truth that he meant nothing to her.   
Suddenly, the reason why he had come here seemed so ridiculous. He had intended to tell Tarja about his feelings... Marco had encouraged him to do this... But Marco had been wrong. After everything Tuomas just had heard he couldn't tell Tarja what he felt. It was senseless to fight a battle that was already lost.   
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a closing door. "I'm home, darling!" Tarja was there. Tuomas heard her approaching the living room and seconds later she entered. Marcelo instantly pulled her close and kissed her, much to Tuomas' dismay. As Tarja pulled back from her fiancé, her gaze fell on their visitor. "Tuomas", she said with a smile and hugged him shortly, "What are you doing here?" Not looking at her directly, Tuomas shrugged. "I'm about to leave", he mumbled and took a few steps towards the door. "What's wrong?", Tarja asked concerned and reached for Tuomas' arm. "Nothing", he gave back and freed himself from her grip. "I'm just tired, I'll go home." With fast steps he approached the door. He couldn't stay here for another second. Not with Tarja and Marcelo, not after everything he had found out. "Tuomas...", Tarja tried again but Tuomas ignored her.   
Worried, Tarja turned to Marcelo. "What happened?"   
Before Tuomas closed the door he could see Marcelo shrug. "I have no idea."


	20. Chapter 19

His eyes closed, Tuomas was sitting in the shadow of a big tree near the hotel and the small church where the wedding would take place in about two hours. Everyone was inside, preparing stuff and getting ready for the big moment but Tuomas preferred to be alone.  
Since his conversation with Marcelo three days ago he hadn't talked to anybody even though Tarja, as well as Marco, had called him several times a day. But he hadn't been in the mood to talk to them; he had felt bad enough also without people asking him millions of annoying questions.   
But now, sitting on the ground, waiting, Tuomas didn't even feel very depressed or desperate. All he felt was a strange emptiness that didn't allow him to feel anything else. The day had come. In less than two hours Tarja would be married and he couldn't do anything about it.   
Hearing footsteps approaching him, Tuomas opened his eyes. He had to squint for not to be blinded by the bright sunlight, so he needed a moment to see who had joined him. He couldn't oversee the long beard of his friend though and when Marco sat down next to him, Tuomas could also see his face. "Hey", Marco said carefully, "are you okay, Tuomas? Haven't heard from you since Wednesday, I was really worried..." Tuomas shrugged. He didn't want to talk about his feelings again but he knew that Marco only wanted to help him. "I'm fine", he answered, "I just didn't feel like picking up the phone lately..." "So... you talked to Tarja?", Marco went on, obviously unsure how much he could ask Tuomas without making him feel uncomfortable. "No." Trying hard not to look at his friend, Tuomas started ripping little pieces of moss from the tree roots next to him, just to have something to do. "You didn't?", Marco asked in shock, "But you said you would -" "I know", Tuomas interrupted, still concentrating on the moss, "but she wasn't there. There was only Marcelo and we talked and he told me some things and then I changed my mind." At the mention of Marcelo's name, Tuomas dug his nails even deeper into the moss and ripped it from the roots violently. "What kind of things did he tell you?" Marco raised his eyebrows and looked at Tuomas questioning. "I really don't want to talk about this right now...", Tuomas mumbled and silently cursed Marco for not leaving him alone. "But... what could he have told you to make you change your mind? Telling her can't make anything worse, remember?" Tuomas shook his head. "Just stop it Marco. Please." Marco sighed. But a few moments later he spoke up again. "She's here." Confused, Tuomas looked up from the ground. "Of course she is, she's getting married today." "No, look", Marco said and pointed in the direction of the hotel. Turning his head around, Tuomas felt his heart sinking. Tarja was walking up to them, a serious expression on her face. "Please tell her!", Marco whispered, to make sure that Tarja couldn't hear him. "That's none of your business", Tuomas gave back, not even noticing how rude this had sounded. All he could think about was Tarja, who had almost reached them. What should he say to her? He hadn't talked to her since the awkward encounter in her apartment.   
"Hey you two." With an insecure smile, Tarja sat down in the grass next to the two men. "Hey", Tuomas muttered, not looking at her but concentrating on his moss again. "How are you doing?", Marco asked, obviously trying to start a normal conversation. But Tarja had something else in mind. "I'm fine, but... uhm... I'd like to talk to Tuomas... alone." Tuomas felt his heart skipping a beat. No! He didn't want to be alone with her now, not after everything that had happened. "Okay, I'll go back to the hotel, I'm sure there's someone who can need my help", Marco decided and stood up. Before he left he turned to Tuomas a last time and formed the words "tell her" with his lips. Then he turned around and headed back to the hotel.  
For a while Tuomas and Tarja were just sitting there in silence. He pretended to be busy by ripping off the moss again and Tarja watched him silently. Tuomas could feel her gaze on him but he didn't dare to look up. In this moment he wished nothing more than to be somewhere else; anywhere, just not here. Finally, Tarja reached for his hand to prevent him from causing any more damage to the tree. "Tuomas...", she mumbled, "What's going on?" He didn't answer. He couldn't. He knew that he would start crying as soon as he tried to speak. Carefully, Tarja pulled him in her arms and he rested his head on her shoulder. "You are not alone, Tuomas", she whispered and Tuomas could hear that she was close to tears as well, "just talk to me..." But Tuomas shook his head. Maybe he would have considered telling her at this point. Maybe, if this conversation with Marcelo hadn't happened... _I'm just making clear that you are not as important to her as you think._ Talking to her wouldn't change anything. It was too late for that. Instead, he finally had to act. There was only one solution for all his problems...  
"Forget about me, Tarja", he whispered and touched her hand tenderly, "it's your wedding day. You should be inside, getting ready." Tarja shrugged and took his hand into hers. "You think I stop caring about you just because I'm getting married? Because I don't. And I told you this before, so stop being silly." Tuomas smiled sadly. She was so cute. Trying to guide the subject away from himself he finally looked at her directly. "And you are sure about this?", he asked. For a moment Tarja seemed confused. "About the wedding?" Tuomas nodded. "Yes. I am." "Good", Tuomas mumbled, "I just want you to be happy, you know..." Tarja looked as though she wanted to say something, but then she just smiled. Not knowing what else to say, Tuomas only looked at her. In a bit more than an hour she would get married. His Tarja would get married; to the guy he hated most in the world. That thought would have been painful, unbearable... but Tuomas had a plan.  
"You are wearing my necklace", he suddenly noticed and let his eyes wander over the silver hearts around Tarja's neck. "Of course", she gave back and touched it carefully, "I love it. And it goes perfectly with my dress." Smiling, Tuomas looked into her eyes again and tried to memorize every detail of this moment. Then he opened his mouth again. "You should go back inside." Tarja bit her lip. "Are you coming with me?", she asked but Tuomas shook his head. "I'll see you in the church. Don't worry about me", he added, before he pulled her close and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. Smiling shyly, Tarja eventually got up and vanished into the same direction Marco had gone before.   
And Tuomas smiled.


	21. Chapter 20

The small church was already full of people when Tuomas entered. Feeling a bit lost, he looked around, hoping to see his friends somewhere. For a short moment he had even considered not to come at all; he knew that it wouldn't be easy for him to watch Tarja getting married. But on the other hand he was her best friend. Not showing up to her wedding would have felt more than wrong and also he hadn't wanted anyone to suspect anything.   
After a while he saw Marco, Emppu and Jukka; they were sitting in the second row and waved at Tuomas as they noticed him. Slowly, he walked over to them and let himself fall on a place between Marco and Emppu. As soon as he sat down, Marco leaned over to him. "So?", he whispered, looking at Tuomas questioning. "So what?", Tuomas gave back and started regretting having sat down next to Marco. "What did she want earlier? Have you talked to her?" Tuomas sighed. Couldn't Marco leave him alone just once? "She wanted to know if I was okay and yes, I talked to her; but no, not about what you think." Tuomas wasn't sure if he interpreted Marco's gaze right but he seemed to be disappointed. "Why?" Tuomas glared at his friend and couldn't prevent his voice from sounding angry. "Why I haven't told her I love her right before her wedding with the guy she loves!? Because I am not a naïve dumbass! She is happy and she is getting married in...", he threw a short look at his watch, "...eight minutes. So stop bothering me, Marco." "What's going on?", Emppu suddenly asked and turned his head to Tuomas and Marco. "Nothing", Tuomas snapped and instantly felt sorry for being so mean. "I... don't wanna talk about it, okay?" Emppu shrugged and turned back to Jukka whom he had been talking to before. "So you just want to sit here and watch?", Marco now asked quietly so that Emppu wouldn't hear him, "You don't wanna do anything?" Tuomas sighed. "I may have... some kind of a plan...", he finally whispered, anxious not to look at Marco directly. "I knew it!", Marco exclaimed excitedly and then lowered his voice again, "Like, right in the middle of the ceremony you'll jump up, run to the front and kiss her! Then you'll go on your knees and declare your love to her and then there'll be music and rose petals and then she tells you that she loves you too, you kiss again and then Marcelo is totally pissed while you two get married right away!" Unable to suppress a grin, Tuomas shook his head. "Not quite. But I'm sure it'll be the best for everyone..." Marco wanted to reply something but in that moment everyone around them fell silent. Looking up, Tuomas noticed that Marcelo was now standing in front of the altar next to the minister. Then the music started and suddenly everyone turned their heads around. Tuomas could hear people whispering and making appreciative noises. So, taking a deep breath, he turned around as well.   
On the arm of her father, Tarja was walking down the aisle. As Tuomas saw her, his heart started racing; she looked breathtaking. Her white dress was very simple except for a silver stripe around her waist and it was so long that it touched the ground. Her dark hair fell down her back in slight waves and around her neck she was still wearing the necklace Tuomas had given to her.   
She had only eyes for Marcelo though. Smiling, she approached him and in no time at all she was standing next to him in front of the altar.   
Tuomas' heart was pounding heavily. The minister had started talking but Tuomas couldn't concentrate on his words. All he could do was staring at Tarja and trying to withstand the urge to do exactly what Marco had suggested: Running to the front and pulling Tarja in his arms. But he knew that it was too late for something like that. So he remained sitting on his place. And he remained silent as the minister spoke on: "If anyone can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." Tuomas felt Marco's gaze on him but he just kept looking at Tarja, not thinking about opening his mouth for a second. He had to accept this. And he would. If this was what made Tarja happy, he was happy for her.  
As nobody spoke, the minister went on, turning to the groom first and a few minutes later Marcelo declared his eternal love to Tarja with the two simple words everyone had been waiting for:  
"I do." Turning his head around, Tuomas looked at him for a moment. Smiling brightly, Marcelo seemed happier than Tuomas had ever seen him. There was no doubt that he loved Tarja - and she loved him. "Tarja Soile Susanna Turunen", the minister now went on, looking at the young bride, "Do you take Marcelo Cabuli for your lawful wedded husband, to live together after God's ordinance, in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love, honor, comfort, and cherish him from this day forward, forsaking all others, keeping only unto him for as long as you both shall live?"   
If Tuomas hadn't looked at Tarja so intently, maybe he hadn't even noticed. But for a short moment she seemed to hesitate. And in that moment her gaze met Tuomas'. For the first time since she had entered the church she looked at him; but then she broke the eye contact and smiled at Marcelo, answering the minister with a confident "I do".


	22. Chapter 21

The room where the wedding was celebrated was full of people. Tuomas needed a while to spot Tarja in the crowd of guests who were standing around her and congratulated her. "Tuomas?" Emppu was suddenly standing next to him. "How are you?" Tuomas, busy to make his way through all the people hadn't even noticed his friend before and also wasn't really in the mood to talk to him. "I'm fine", he mumbled without even thinking about it. "You don't look like it...", Emppu responded, "and earlier, in the church, you didn't seem to feel so good either." Tuomas sighed. That Marco was aware of his problems was bad enough; he didn't want yet another of his friends to become suspicious as well. "Everything's great. I'm just having a little headache, that's it", he said without even looking at Emppu. His eyes were fixed on Tarja who was still surrounded by her guests. "Tuomas -", Emppu started again and now Tuomas finally turned around to face his friend. He looked concerned. "I know you haven't been feeling that good lately...", he told, "I just didn't want to force you to talk about it. But I'm worried, so... if you wanna talk..." Emppu looked to the ground. "I'm here..." Tuomas swallowed. "Thanks...", he mumbled, "but I... don't want to talk about it. And I actually know how to handle this now, it'll be fine." Emppu nodded and shrugged and Tuomas turned back to Tarja, continuing to make his way to her. 

"Tuomas", Tarja exclaimed as she saw him. Quickly he approached her and she gave him a short hug. "Congratulations!", he said and smiled even though he felt a big lump in his throat. This was the moment. The moment he had gone through in his head so many times during the last few days. He had thought about every single word he wanted to say.   
"I'm glad you're happy, Tarja. And... and I hope that you'll stay this happy because you really deserve it!" "Thanks, Tuomas." She beamed at him and hugged him once again. Nervously, Tuomas cleared his throat. "I... I just wanted to say thank you... for being my best friend... and for always being there for me." Now Tarja seemed slightly confused but she kept smiling. "There's nothing to thank me for. You are my best friend; of course I'm there for you!" "I know...", Tuomas mumbled and for a moment he doubted his plan. But when he looked at Tarja in her wedding dress and at the ring on her finger he knew that there was no going back. He had made his decision and he wouldn't change his mind. "It's just... I'm happy that you are happy, Tarja. And I'm happy because I know that Marcelo is going to take good care of you." Tarja frowned. "Are you alright, Tuomas...?", she asked carefully and looked at him in concern. "Actually, yes. I am." Smiling, Tuomas leaned down and kissed Tarja's cheek softly. "Stay the way you are", he whispered and before Tarja could reply anything he turned around and left the room with fast steps. 

The warm summer air felt wonderful on Tuomas' face as he stepped out of the building. Concerning the weather, Tarja and Marcelo had been very lucky. However, Tuomas himself didn't really care about things like the weather. He paid no attention to it, knowing that it would only distract him from his plan.   
The hotel Tarja and Marcelo had chosen for their wedding was near a small forest and that was where Tuomas was going now. He had already been here the other day to check out the surroundings and he had found a perfect place for him to realize his plan and after a few minutes of walking through the forest he reached the spot he had decided on.   
Tuomas was now standing in the middle of a small clearing, to his left a wooden fence that had been built to keep clueless wanderers from falling into the river that made its way through the deep canyon on the other side of the fence.  
Feeling his heart beating faster, he slowly walked towards the fence, knowing that he had to do this. He had thought about it ever since his conversation with Marcelo and he had come to the conclusion that it was the only way. The only thing that made sense in his situation. Tuomas was sure that this solution would be the best for everyone, not at last for himself. He couldn't keep putting himself through this hell called his life, couldn't go on on this emotional roller coaster; and after everything that had happened he just had lost hope.   
The fence was broken on one spot which made it pretty easy to get on the other side and so Tuomas was soon standing on the edge of the cliff and looked down on the water. The canyon seemed even deeper now that he was so close but Tuomas wasn't nervous at all. He had thought about this long enough and the knowledge that Tarja was entirely happy with Marcelo made it even easier than he had expected to let go. This was the right decision.   
Taking a deep breath, Tuomas closed his eyes, ready to end all his pain once and for all.


	23. Chapter 22

"TUOMAS!"  
Startled Tuomas ripped his eyes open and turned around, not knowing what to do or how to react. He had thought he was alone... But now he saw Tarja running towards him in her white dress, stumbling every now and then because the dress was so long.   
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?", she screamed and seconds later she had reached Tuomas and pulled him close, holding on to him as if she was drowning. Helplessly, Tuomas tried to push her away, eager to finish what he had started but she refused to let go of him. "Oh my god, Tuomas... You can't be serious about this...", Tarja whispered while she was shaken by sobs, "you can't be serious..." Tuomas swallowed. Yes, he was serious. He had thought about it and he knew that he couldn't bare all his pain any longer.   
Suddenly Tarja pulled away from him, even though her arms were still wrapped around his neck as if to make sure that he didn't jump right away. "What were you thinking, Tuomas!? You promised you wouldn't do this!" Partly screaming, partly crying she looked at Tuomas with a mixture of anger and desperation in her eyes and Tuomas couldn't help but feeling incredibly guilty. "Tarja, I -", he started but she cut him off. "You _promised_ it!" "I know...", he whispered and looked at her while tears rose in his own eyes. He hadn't wanted it to turn out like that. He hadn't wanted to ruin yet another important day by making Tarja cry.   
Of course, he had known that he would hurt people with his decision but he hadn't expected anyone to find out before he had even done anything.   
"I'm sorry...", he whispered, trying to stop his tears from running down his face. "I'm so sorry, Tarja... but... I can't do this anymore..." "Do what!?", Tarja asked desperately, "Tuomas, why aren't you talking to me? How often have I told you that you are not alone and that I am here... but here you are, trying to... to...", she lost track for a moment and new tears ran over her cheeks. "Why, Tuomas...? Why?" Tuomas swallowed. Somewhere deep inside he knew that he should just tell her the truth. He knew that it would probably make him feel better, no matter what her reaction would be. But the part of his mind that controlled his mouth didn't obey to this realisation. "I can't explain it to you... but I have to do this, Tarja, please understand that..." Obviously shocked by his words, Tarja pulled him close again while her tears made his jacket become more and more wet. "Stop talking like this, Tuomas", she begged, "why can't you just let me help you?" Tuomas sighed. "If you want to help me... then let me go... please..." "No!", Tarja cried out and tightened her embrace around him even more. "Tarja, please, you don't understand -" " _You_ don't understand!", she screamed and Tuomas could hear the panic in her voice. "We've all got problems, Tuomas! Everyone has problems! But that is no reason to just kill yourself! You can't just run away from your problems like that, leaving everyone behind without an explanation! Can you even imagine how this feels!?" "Tarja -" "No, you can't!", she went on, still not loosing her grip on him but looking at him directly now, "You have no idea what kind of pain you are causing to the people you leave! Imagine what would have happened, if I hadn't stopped you!" Tuomas tried to interrupt her once again but Tarja cut him of instantly. "No, you will listen to me now! Try to imagine it, Tuomas: We would have wondered were you are... and you wouldn't have returned so we would have started worrying... we would have searched for you everywhere without finding you. We would have tried calling you but you wouldn't have picked up your phone. Days later we still wouldn't have found you... we would have called the police by then but they wouldn't have found you either." Tarja swallowed. "Weeks later, maybe, some wanderer would have seen a body in the canyon... and they would have called the police..." She paused again as new tears rose in her eyes. But then she continued talking with a shaking voice. "They would have pulled you out of the canyon... and they would have called us... by us I mean the people who are close to you... the ones who love you... your friends, your family... me... and we would have come to the morgue and we would have recognised you... and the police would have told us that you had probably killed yourself... and -" "Please stop, Tarja", Tuomas whispered, shocked by Tarja's words and the details she told him. "Just stop..." But Tarja shook her head, crying. "No. I want you to realise what you were about to do... We would have seen you lying there and desperately we would have tried to understand why you had done this... but we wouldn't have been able to... because you never talked to us... and we would have cried and would have asked ourselves what we had done wrong... we would have started blaming ourselves, each one of us... for not noticing that something was wrong, for not trying to help you enough... and every day, for the rest of our lives, we would have asked ourselves why you didn't talk to us... why you just left us alone... and we would have hated you for just leaving... because we'd miss you so much... every day... because we all love you, Tuomas, but you don't seem to realise that..." Crying heartbreakingly she rested her head on his shoulder again and Tuomas put his arms around her carefully. He hadn't thought about it like this. He had never imagined how exactly his friends would react to his death; he had just been thinking about himself.

But suddenly he remembered at which point he had actually started considering suicide an option. It had been right after his conversation with Marcelo who had told him - "Tarja?" She looked at him sadly, "Yes?" Tuomas bit his lip, not knowing how to say what he needed to say. "I don't believe you", he finally mumbled. "You don't believe what?", she asked confused. Taking a deep breath, Tuomas started talking. "Well, as you might remember, I was at your place last Wednesday." Tarja nodded. "I talked to Marcelo. I mean, actually I had wanted to talk to you but you weren't there so Marcelo asked me in and we had a little conversation... about you." Tarja frowned. "He didn't tell me about that... what was it about?", she asked. "You told Marcelo that I'd been cutting..." Tuomas stated and Tarja stared at him in disbelief. "Of course I did! What did you expect, he is my husband!" The word _husband_ made Tuomas heart clench but he tried to ignore it. "I know. That's not my point. But Marcelo told me about your reaction to my cutting... he told me that you didn't take it seriously and that you were annoyed by my seeking for attention... So... when you said you'd miss me... did you mean it or was that just another lie to make me feel better?" For a moment Tarja just stared at him in complete shock, obviously not knowing what to say. Then she finally let go of Tuomas and ran a hand trough her long hair. "Marcelo told you _what_!?", she then whispered. "You didn't answer my question, Tarja", Tuomas said but Tarja didn't even seem to hear him. She had an angry look on her face and tears had risen in her eyes once more. "I _never_ said those things!", she then screamed and looked at Tuomas desperately, "I never said anything like that!" "Then why would Marcelo say that...?" Tuomas asked even though he already new the answer. "I don't know!", Tarja said, "but it is not true! I'd never say something like that, you know that! You are my best friend! I was crying the whole night after that party!" Feeling touched and relieved at the same time, Tuomas sighed. She did care about him. Of course she did. "I'm sorry, Tarja... I should have believed you..." "It's okay", she mumbled, "I just don't understand why Marcelo would lie about that... he's not like that usually." "Well, ask him later", Tuomas suggested and Tarja nodded. "I will. He really owes me an explanation and I -" Suddenly the silence around then was interrupted by a shout.   
"Tarja!"   
Startled, Tarja turned around. Tuomas was about to turn his head as well, eager to find out who was disturbing them, but within a second he had forgotten about that person again when he looked at Tarja.   
While turning around she had tripped over the hem of her dress and full of fear Tuomas realised that they were still standing at the other side of the fence on the edge of the canyon. For a second he knew what would happen. He knew it and he reached out to grab her hand but it was too late. He heard her scream and saw her falling and then her scream was drowned by another scream that rang in Tuomas' ears and echoed through the forest. Someone was screaming, louder than Tarja who still seemed to fall in slow motion. Someone screamed and screamed as if they were murdered and Tuomas couldn't explain were the screaming was coming from until he finally realised that it was his own scream.   
Then everything went black and he collapsed to the ground.


	24. Chapter 23

As Tuomas woke up he found himself lying in a white hospital bed. For a moment he was confused and couldn't remember what had happened but then the horrible memories came back and made his stomach turn. Panic-stricken he sat up in his bed, unable to get the image of Tarja falling into the canyon out of his mind. He was just about to get up when his door opened and Marco, Jukka and Emppu entered.   
"Tuomas!", Emppu said and looked at him relieved, "Thank god, you're awake!" "We were so worried", Jukka added and Marco nodded. But Tuomas was barely listening to them. Desperately he tried to hold his tears back while he climbed out of his bed. "Tuomas, the doctor said you should rest...", Marco mumbled but Tuomas didn't care. "Where's Tarja?", he asked, not sure if he even wanted to hear the answer. His friends exchanged a short look and Tuomas felt his heartbeat increasing. "Where is she?!", he screamed while more tears rose in his eyes. Finally Marco broke the silence. "She's in the ER", he said and laid a hand on Tuomas' shoulder as if to calm him down. Tuomas swallowed. So she was alive. That piece of information took a load of his heart but it changed nothing about the fact that he was awfully worried. "How... how is she?", he asked hoarsely. "We don't know much...", Emppu mumbled, "the doctor said she was extremely lucky... but her condition is critical, they don't know if...", he paused, "if... she'll make it..."   
Feeling fear rising in him again, Tuomas jumped up. "I have to see her!" He wanted to leave the room but Jukka grabbed his arm. "You can't see her now, Tuomas. We've already talked to the doctors, they don't let anyone in at the moment. Not even Marcelo or her parents." "But I have to see her!", Tuomas screamed and tried to push Jukka away but Marco reached for his other arm to stop him. "Tuomas!", he said loudly, "There's nothing you can do right now. Just try to calm down." For a moment Tuomas still tried to free himself from his friend's grips but then he gave up and sank down to the floor. "It's all my fault...", he cried desperately, "if she dies it'll be my fault." He saw Emppu and Marco exchange a look before Emppu sat down next to his friend. "Speaking of...", he said carefully, "what exactly happened Tuomas? Marcelo told us that you and Tarja were standing by that canyon before she fell but what were you guys doing there...?" Tuomas looked at Emppu confused. "Marcelo? How does he know what -" But suddenly he was hit by a realization. It had been Marcelo who had screamed Tarja's name, causing her to fall. "Did he call an ambulance?", Tuomas asked and Jukka nodded. "Right after you passed out. And then he called us and we came here. But seriously Tuomas, what was going on?"   
Fighting with the tears again, Tuomas buried his face in his hands. "It's all my fault..." "It was an accident", Marco mumbled, "it was nobody's fault." Tuomas shook his head. "You don't understand... I left the wedding and Tarja followed me. If it hadn't been for me she wouldn't even have been in that stupid forest!" "Well, you couldn't know that she'd follow you", Emppu stated. "He's right", Marco said, "but come on... you still haven't talked to us... why did you go there?"   
Taking a deep breath, Tuomas looked up to his friends who all watched him in expectation. "I... I just wanted... to get some fresh air", he mumbled without looking anyone in the eyes. Marco sighed. "Tuomas, do you think we are stupid? Because we're not. We all noticed that you haven't been feeling good lately and then you suddenly leave and go to some canyon in a forest..." Swallowing, Tuomas shrugged. He didn't want to tell them what had happened. It had been awful enough to see Tarja's reaction to his suicide attempt and he wasn't sure if he could bare seeing the faces of his friends after telling them. But on the other hand they seemed to have a suspicion anyway and they would find out about it sooner or later. "You're right", he admitted, "I... I wanted to jump..." he paused for a second and looked at his three friends who all stared at him in shock. "But Tarja found me and held me back and we talked for a while... and then..." Tuomas' voice broke and he wiped over his face quickly to get rid of the tears that were running over his face now. For a while nobody spoke until Emppu finally broke the silence. "You love her, don't you...?" Slowly Tuomas nodded. "Is it that obvious?" "Yeah, it is...", Jukka said and couldn't suppress a grin. But then he turned serious again. "But Tuomas, why would you try to kill yourself? Just because of her?" "You don't understand", Tuomas whispered and realized how often he had already said this sentence that day. "I love her more than anything in the world... and it's been torturing me for years. But since she's engaged to Marcelo it has become even worse and now they're married which means that she is absolutely, irreversibly gone... so I figured it would be the best for everyone..." "I can't believe this...", Marco mumbled and sighed, "when you told me you had a plan I didn't think it would be to jump off a cliff!" Tuomas bit his lip. "I'm sorry, guys... I didn't want to hurt you... or anyone. I know it was a quite selfish plan..." "Yes, it was", Emppu agreed, "you could have talked to us!" "I know!", Tuomas said and suddenly he became angry. He couldn't hear it anymore. He knew that he had made a terrible mistake and the guilt he felt because of Tarja's accident was eating him up. "I know that it was stupid, okay!?", he yelled, "but I can't change what has happened! I wish I could! And I would do anything to turn back time but I can't! So please stop! Stop telling me what I've done wrong because I know it! I KNOW it!" Crying, he rested his head on his knees, feeling more awful than ever before in his life. He knew what he had done. Tarja's life was at stake because of his selfish behavior. And he knew that he would never forgive himself if she didn't make it. "Tuomas...", Emppu tried carefully, "nobody blames you for what happened to Tarja. It is not your fault." "Say whatever you want", Tuomas groaned between his sobs, "but I could have killed her. And if she dies I'll jump and nothing and nobody will stop me!"


End file.
